Sober Negativity

Day 38 now (yay!) ... I've noticed that I now have to think how many days I've been sober which, I hope is a good thing.

The last couple of days have been strange ones which have left me feeling a little 'flat' and have made me wonder "Am I going to become boring (being sober)?"

I think I've come to the point in my sobriety where I have to explain myself to others a little - as to why I'm not drinking alcohol.  I certainly do not want to say (admit?) that I am a raging alcoholic who cannot have just one drink, who blacks out most nights and does and says things that I cannot remember, but who still feels a huge sense of shame and disgust?  I know in reality that is exactly what I am (was) - but I don't want to put my hand up and admit that..... just yet.

I've had a couple of little conversations over the last few weeks with my boss where at the end of the day he's made the comment "You'll be rushing to the supermarket for that bottle of red now then?"  I did wonder whether I should just respond as I sometimes had - laugh and agree.  Sometimes I've  I have said "no - night off tonight".  Last week when I had the work function, I had the car as an excuse.  Last night, when I got the usual supermarket comment, I made the night off comment - which got the response "What!  Again?  On a health fad are we?"  In my mind I said:  Well, you see Mr Boss Man, for the last god knows how many years I've been a (I think) high functional alcohol dependant.  Many, many times I've felt like shit and I've had to drag myself into work.  In fact, on more than one occasion I've felt so bad I've pulled a sickie ...... remember back in March when I said I had food poisoning following a family birthday meal out?  Nope - I had a falling out with a couple of members of my family the day after the meal and I drank myself into oblivion during the day .... red wine was my poison of choice.  I did have sickness and diarrhoea on the Monday - but it was all to do with what I drank.  In fact Mr Boss Man you have entrusted me with some pretty big responsibilities.  I've carried out my duties but, again, on more than one occasion I've still been slightly tipsy from the night before."

What I actually said was "Well, yes I am actually.  I decided to stay off booze for a little while and, actually I quite like it."  I was met with an open mouthed stare.  Mr Boss Man is also a heavy drinker.

In the last couple of days I've also spoken to a good friend to organise a catch up.  I did warn that I wouldn't be boozing and outlined one or two reasons why.  I'm sure it wasn't really the case, but I could sense almost a disappointment.  I felt like I had to explain myself without the gory details.  In fact I think I went overboard in explaining... I probably sounded self righteous.  I'll learn!