Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

Why can't people just see/telepathically know that I'm in a foul mood and then avoid getting on my nerves?

For the past few days I have been extremely irritable.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is getting on my nerves.  I feel like I am a ticking bomb ... just ready to go BANG.  I'm also incredibly tired - I'm not sleeping very well and I am really struggling to crawl out of bed in the morning.  I'm emotional and teary one moment and then raging the next.  I feel so lethargic that, if a £20.00 note floated in front of me, I'd ignore it.

I am imagining myself as the Hulk.......... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  I feel like a bear with a smacked arse.  I feel incredibly miserable and I feel bored.

This morning, I counted how many days I've been sober to see if I could cheer myself up a bit.  It's been 199 days and no, it hasn't cheered me up.

Inevitably, these feelings have made the wine witch crawl out from under the rock she was hiding under.

Last night was particularly bad.  I'd had an awful day at work - a combination of a grumpy boss (who was grumpier than me) and moaning clients.  Mr W had had a day off work and had done feck all at home and the girls were having a 'let's gang up on mother' night.  I felt so wound up that had I really, really wanted to pay a visit to the corner shop for a bottle of red.  I didn't of course.  I took myself off for a hot bubble bath and a good read of my current book of choice.

This feeling of 'fuck it' really surprised me.  After being sober for six months, I was not expecting the strength of the 'fuck it'.

I realise that these feelings are probably down to Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (Dr Google told me so).  That and a mixture of my hormones (I think I'm also a bit menopausal).  I know that I will only feel like this for a few days or so.  It will pass soon.

I also think that I really need to 'do' something more with myself in my spare time.  I've given up my cigarette and wine hobby but I haven't replaced them with anything.  It's true that, by giving up the booze, I have so much more time - but what is the point of that if all I am doing is sitting at home vegetating?  I do like to read and I've been doing much more of that now that I don't have to re-read the same sentence over and over again (or fall asleep), but I'm getting a bit fed-up with reading.

I'm also not exactly a 'sociable' person.  I lost that ability when I drank more and more at home.

I'm the only one who can help myself.  I've now gained so much weight from not smoking and drinking that I can't breath when I put on my socks!  So, I've been thinking about joining the gym at the local leisure centre.  Tonight, I think the family can fend for themselves for a change whilst I go and see about enrolling at the gym...

Brain Fog

This morning I am 191 days sober.  I have woken up with what I think is the beginning of a cold.

Firstly, this is a bit of a shock to my system because since I stopped drinking booze I have not once felt really poorly - enough to make me not really want to get of bed or enough for me to think about calling in sick at work.  Whilst people around me have been dropping like flies with colds, flu, the Norovirus and other ailments, I have remained healthy. 

I have had a couple of occasions where, usually at night, I've felt as though I was getting a cold or something - you know, a bit headachy, slightly dry throat, a tickle at the back of the nose.  Every time, I have woke up absolutely fine.  I completely credit this to not drinking alcohol.  Because I am not drinking booze, my immune system must be much, much healthier.

So this morning, I feel like my head might explode (or at least fall off my shoulders) and I feel 'not quite with it'..... I feel like I have brain fog. 

I am being reminded of how I used to feel every day when I eventually crawled out of bed feeling (and looking) like shite until just over six months ago.  How I was never 'quite with it' for sometime - usually until after several cups of coffee.

I am being reminded of people speaking to me and me not really taking it in.  I could hear them fine, I just couldn't comprehend what they were telling me.  I must have looked so gormless.

The times when I would seriously contemplate not going to work.  (I have done this a few times

The times when I drove to work and couldn't really remember most of the driving.  (This makes me feel really ashamed of myself because I was possibly still over the legal limit to drive)

At least, though, I can console myself with the fact that this morning I may feel like crap and have major brain fog until the cold remedy kicks in because I am getting a cold and not because I am hungover!

I'm pretty sure that if I was still drinking and would have felt a million times worse..... in fact, I more than likely would have had a sick day from work.

Another bonus to being AF!

Six months sober!

On Saturday past, I have been sober for six months.  So, how do I feel?

Truthfully, it feels like I've been sober for an eternity, but I also feel very fortunate that being sober hasn't been as difficult as I anticipated it would, although it has not been easy.  I am also very very aware that it is still only early days and I still have a long way to go.  It's getting easier and easier.

There will be no moderation for me.  I will never ever be a 'normal drinker'.  I can never drink alcohol again.  More importantly I have to never WANT to drink again.  Sometimes I think it is this concept that I struggle with more.  This is the wine witch tapping on my shoulder.  I imagine using my fingers to flick her off.

The benefits of not drinking booze have been amazing so far.  My skin and hair are better, my eyes are brighter.  My finances are better.  Those niggly pains have gone.  My anxiety has all but disappeared.  Best of all, I am happier.  Even better than that - my husband and children are even happier.  No longer do they have a sozzled mother/wife who cared about nothing else but booze.  Now they have someone who is fully there.  Someone who can remember conversations and arrangements from the night before.

The only 'bad' thing is that I have put on tons of weight... But that's a battle for another day.

Quitting booze for good has got to be one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It took me a while... I read blogs galore, I read books, I watched documentaries... One called 'There's something wrong with Aunt Diane' which was pretty awful.   I finally had to get to my rock bottom for me to finally quit.

I am a completely different person to what I was six months ago.  I am me again! I am getting my life back.

A Saturday in the life of the previous me

A day in the life of the previous me:

It's 9.15am on a Saturday morning.  Had I not had my kick up the arse rock bottom, my day would have gone like this:

I'd have had a crap nights sleep, but I would have gotten up early - feeling and looking like death warmed up with a candle.  There is a purpose to me getting up and getting ready early though.  I'm already thinking about drinking booze.  The husband will be leaving to go to work soon and won't finish until 7pm.  Plenty of time.  The girls aren't home and probably won't be back until tomorrow.  I'm not expecting visitors (or, rather I'm hoping there won't be any).  I can drink and be perfectly normal by the time he gets home.

I tell the husband that I'm off to the supermarket to get the shopping before it gets too busy.  I hate crowded places.  I'll see him when he gets home from work.  He asks me to stay awake for when he gets home.  This means don't drink much.  I tell him I will .... But, you know I tell him, I was up really early and I didn't sleep well.  We both know I'll be halfway sloshed when he gets home.

I've already checked the cupboard where I store the wine.  I'm sure I had at least a glass left in the bottle last night.  I left that much so it looked like I hadn't drunk much ... But, with the help of my hidden supply, I'd had plenty.  There's no wine left in the cupboard.  I'm annoyed and irritated.  How dare he touch MY wine!

I rush around the supermarket like a mad woman.  I give no real thought about what I'm making for meals.  I buy two bottles of wine.  The one that tastes ok but has a highish alcohol content.. 13% (yippee).

I get home by 10.30am.  Plenty of time.  I put the shopping away.  One bottle of wine goes in the cupboard.  The other stays on the worktop... Calling my name.  Have just a little, then you can do some housework and then have a well deserved nap.  I pour some into a cup - if anyone does come, they won't see what I'm drinking.  I hide the open bottle behind the microwave.  An hour or so later, the bottle of wine is empty.  I'm drunk and I've done very little housework.  It's 12 noon.  I take myself off to bed for my nap.  I'm shattered.  It must be because I was up so early.

I wake up at 4pm feeling like death warmed up with a candle.  I've missed two calls from my mother and I've a text from her:  Are you in?  Your car is outside and I knocked but you must be out with .. I didn't even hear my phone ring.  It's on my bedside table.  I didn't hear her knocking at my front door either.

I make myself a really really strong black coffee and rush around (as best you can when you are lethargic) tidying up and getting tea on the go.  My husband gets home at about 7.30pm.  I've already had a glass of wine - hair of the dog and all that.

Bugger!  I forgot ...did I get rid of the empty bottle is hidden behind the microwave?

A whole day wasted.  That is what I had become towards the end of my drinking days.  All consumed by booze.

Thinking of this, I still feel a sense of shame and disgust at myself.

If you are reading this, did you have days like this too?

In a weird kind of way I am glad that I hit my rock bottom.  I know that I wouldn't have made the decision to quit otherwise.  I dread to think what I would be like now!

That's the party season done with!

I realised this morning that I haven't done a post for a few weeks.  I'm not sure why, but I haven't really given my blog much thought and I have been pretty busy at home and at work.

I'm coming up to six months sober in a few days and I must say that I am extremely proud of myself!  I'm not sure if I should be a little disappointed that there has been no recognition of this fact by Mr W or my girls.  I feel silly writing that.  I feel like I am being self obsessed:  Me, me, me!  I really should be grateful that the length of my sobriety hasn't been mentioned - surely it means that if they aren't thinking about it, then they feel that they can trust me, that the past is almost where it belongs ... in the past?

Although I was concerned with how I would feel and how I would manage the festive season, I really need not have worried.  I managed two work Christmas parties.  Mr W's work do was easy peasy because I didn't have to explain to anyone why I wasn't drinking alcohol. 

My own work do was a little trickier, although I wasn't the only one on the soft drinks.  We also definitely have a new Work Party Animal.  Our office started at 10.00am (!!!) with sparkling something or other.  My lord, the smell of it was pretty disgusting!  A work colleague brought me a glass of it (cheap champagne I think).  It sat on my desk and when someone else arrived I gave it to them.  I did have to explain to a number of people why I was drinking tonic water - mostly I just said I had too much to do after the party (which is held during the day). 

My boss did question me (whilst very drunk) about why I wasn't drinking.  Was it a fad?  Was it for good?  When I confirmed that, yes it is for good, he said "But why?  You liked your red wine!".  "Yes" I said "And there was the problem - I liked it too much and so I gave it up".  That shut him up and if he remembers the conversation (I doubt it), he hasn't made mention of it since.

I said no to a Christmas Eve party.  It wasn't that I didn't want to have to explain.  I just honestly could not be arsed to go.

Christmas day went without a hitch.  Everything was so relaxed - dinner was ready when it was ready.  It was a nice change to be sober rather than half-cut.

I said no to a New Years Eve party.  Instead me and Mr W went out for a late night drive to a place where we knew there'd be fireworks.  We didn't get home till 2 am!  The girls (who were out doing there own thing) jokingly said they were disgusted with their parents and it was way past our bedtime.

Again New Years Day went without a hitch.

Overall, I'm pleased that this time of year is over and done with, but I'm also surprised at how little I thought about alcohol.