I have now been sober for 114 days and I can honestly say that I'm beginning to think less and less about alcohol. I'm hoping that this is a good sign that I'm 'getting there', although I am under no illusion that I'm cured or over it. I realise that I will always have a problem with alcohol and I can never moderate. I know that just one drink of booze will lead to the bottle and then, ultimately destruction. It's not that I've been constantly thinking about having or needing a drink, but I do think a lot about what I would have done in the past in certain situations; you know... Hard day at work? I'd rush home and pour a drink down my neck. Good day at work? I'd rush home and pour a drink down my neck.
'Mummy was a secret drinker' posted a great post today about alcohol and anxiety. I've been thinking quite a bit about this subject since becoming sober. For the last couple of years, when my drinking began to get really out of control, I suffered a bit from anxiety, particularly at work. At first, I wondered if my boss, colleagues or clients could tell I had a drink problem... Could they see it? Could they smell stale wine? I then got to the stage where I got so nervous in front of my boss that I started to dread having our usual catch up meeting in the morning, I'd have a hot flush, I got that 'fight or flight' feeling, I felt faint. I also started to have problems writing in front of my boss, for example filling out a form, writing a message or even signing my name. I felt dreadful. This eventually spread to me feeling like this in front of clients, so I would organise appointments where my colleague would deal with them.
At home, I would worry when my husband went upstairs. I could hear him wandering about. What was he doing? Was he searching my wardrobe? What about my shoe store? Shit, did I get rid of that empty wine/vodka bottle that I hid under the bed? More often than not, I would wander upstairs casually after him.... To get ready for bed, go to the loo or whatever. Just to make sure he wasn't looking where he shouldn't have been.
At work I'd worry about what my husband was doing. Was he going through my things looking for evidence? Would he find it?
This was on top of the constant thinking about when I'd get my next drink. Would it look odd to the cashier at the supermarket if I bought a bottle of wine, a small bottle of vodka and a bottle of water (to decant the vodka into of course)? How much could I drink before Mr W got in from work, but still appear sober? The usual stuff.
It's hardly surprising that I felt this way. I was self destructing and imploding and, if I am honest, something was going to have to give. It was all of my own doing. I was leading a life full of lies and secrets (my own of course). My life was one big fat lie.
Eventually, something did give. Something that could have destroyed everything I hold dear.
Now, I am 114 days sober. Apart from feeling guilty and ashamed for my past behaviour (which I am working on), I feel great. My anxiety has gradually disappeared. Why? I no longer have those secrets and lies to hold. I am free and working on staying there. Most of all, I feel relief. A burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It feels bloody fantastic!
Monday 30 October 2017
Thursday 26 October 2017
I'm on my high horse - a 'Meal Deal' Gripe
I'm annoyed ... very annoyed! Probably unnecessarily so ........... but:
Prior to giving up the booze, I used to LOVE the Marks and Spencer's Two Dine for £10.00 meal deal (with FREE wine .. in large writing or non-alcoholic beverage in smaller writing). I used to love it so much that I would frequently buy 2 or 3 'meal deals' at once - because the wine was FREE! I would sometimes go for the most expensive one, but often I'd go for the one that had the highest alcohol content. I didn't matter to me that it tasted of rancid vinegar ..... it was FREE WINE!
Anyway, since being sober I've kept away from these kind of deals. Partially to keep away from temptation, but also because I came to the realisation that deals such as this are encouraging the drinking of alcohol. Today, though, I thought that I am strong enough (after 110 days sober) to not be bothered or tempted by the alcohol.
I wasn't remotely bothered by the booze which really impressed me, but what got me on my High Horse was the lack of choice in the non-alcoholic section!
On a tiny little display located well away from the FREE WINE stood three lonely double packs of Coffee Spritzer! Coffee Spritzer???? Does anyone drink coffee spritzer? The shelves that were meant to be housing the Elderflower Presse or the Orange and Mango Presse were empty.
When I went to locate a helpful floor supervisor to ask what other non-alcoholic alternatives they had rather than coffee mixed with cold sparkling water, I was 'ahem' helpfully told "That's what there is". So, still wanting the meal deal, I asked (nicely) if they had anything else in their stockroom - you know, such as the Elderflower or Orange and Mango Presse? Mr Helpful Floor Supervisor skipped off to their stockroom to check for me (okay - I lied about that bit. He stomped off). After only making me wait for 10 minutes (not an exaggeration), he came back brandishing a pack of two cartons of still lemonade like a trophy.
By now, I was beginning to seethe just a little bit about the lack of choice, so I asked if that was it - they had two separate bottles of Elderflower Presse on their shelves - couldn't I have two of those?
"No" was the reply. "This is all there is. Don't you want to just get the wine? I explained (not smuggly at all) that I don't drink alcohol. His response? "Put it away for Christmas then." WHAT!!
Not wanting to make a scene and draw attention to myself, I took the lemonade.
There are two things that have infuriated me this afternoon:
1. The lack of choice for those who choose not to drink booze. (Actually, you are even penalised for not getting the FREE WINE - The wine costs about £7.00 whilst the non-alcoholic beverage costs £3.90 for a pack of two)
2. The fact that I had to explain that I don't drink alcohol. Had I not have been 'strong' enough, I could have easily have been tempted to get the FREE WINE to put it away and use it as a Christmas present. Would it have lasted till Christmas? I hope it would have done, but I really, really do not want to put myself in that situation.
I think I may very well fire off an email to Marks and Spencers to complain about their lack of choice.
Prior to giving up the booze, I used to LOVE the Marks and Spencer's Two Dine for £10.00 meal deal (with FREE wine .. in large writing or non-alcoholic beverage in smaller writing). I used to love it so much that I would frequently buy 2 or 3 'meal deals' at once - because the wine was FREE! I would sometimes go for the most expensive one, but often I'd go for the one that had the highest alcohol content. I didn't matter to me that it tasted of rancid vinegar ..... it was FREE WINE!
Anyway, since being sober I've kept away from these kind of deals. Partially to keep away from temptation, but also because I came to the realisation that deals such as this are encouraging the drinking of alcohol. Today, though, I thought that I am strong enough (after 110 days sober) to not be bothered or tempted by the alcohol.
I wasn't remotely bothered by the booze which really impressed me, but what got me on my High Horse was the lack of choice in the non-alcoholic section!
On a tiny little display located well away from the FREE WINE stood three lonely double packs of Coffee Spritzer! Coffee Spritzer???? Does anyone drink coffee spritzer? The shelves that were meant to be housing the Elderflower Presse or the Orange and Mango Presse were empty.
When I went to locate a helpful floor supervisor to ask what other non-alcoholic alternatives they had rather than coffee mixed with cold sparkling water, I was 'ahem' helpfully told "That's what there is". So, still wanting the meal deal, I asked (nicely) if they had anything else in their stockroom - you know, such as the Elderflower or Orange and Mango Presse? Mr Helpful Floor Supervisor skipped off to their stockroom to check for me (okay - I lied about that bit. He stomped off). After only making me wait for 10 minutes (not an exaggeration), he came back brandishing a pack of two cartons of still lemonade like a trophy.
By now, I was beginning to seethe just a little bit about the lack of choice, so I asked if that was it - they had two separate bottles of Elderflower Presse on their shelves - couldn't I have two of those?
"No" was the reply. "This is all there is. Don't you want to just get the wine? I explained (not smuggly at all) that I don't drink alcohol. His response? "Put it away for Christmas then." WHAT!!
Not wanting to make a scene and draw attention to myself, I took the lemonade.
There are two things that have infuriated me this afternoon:
1. The lack of choice for those who choose not to drink booze. (Actually, you are even penalised for not getting the FREE WINE - The wine costs about £7.00 whilst the non-alcoholic beverage costs £3.90 for a pack of two)
2. The fact that I had to explain that I don't drink alcohol. Had I not have been 'strong' enough, I could have easily have been tempted to get the FREE WINE to put it away and use it as a Christmas present. Would it have lasted till Christmas? I hope it would have done, but I really, really do not want to put myself in that situation.
I think I may very well fire off an email to Marks and Spencers to complain about their lack of choice.
Monday 23 October 2017
I don't drink that much ....
That's what I used to tell myself. I was such a liar.
I'm not as bad as xxxx. That was something else I would tell myself. Truth be known: I did and I was (I was probably worse).
Red wine was eventually my poison of choice (together with the sneaky bottles of vodka). I wasn't fussy on which kind or what price. I could just as soon polish off a supermarket own brand priced at £4.99 or a bottle that cost £10.00 plus. Towards the end of my drinking days, I went for the cheaper brands but always, always, checked the alcohol percentage content; 12% ? Nah - no good! 13% - Ok!, 14% - great!!!. 14.5%? KER BLOODY CHING
A good while ago I was reading One Crafty Mother's blog and read a post when she described scrabbling around in her bathroom cupboard because she knew she had filled an empty bottle of water with wine and had hidden it there. When she found it, she found she had already drunk it. She did this so it would appear to her husband that she wasn't drinking as much. She also hid a half empty bottle in the washing machine. I remember vividly thinking "my god, how far did she sink into alcoholism?"
Thinking back now, I did pretty much the same and more. Towards the latter stages of my excessive drinking, I would often go and purchase two mini bottles of wine from the supermarket at the end of the working day and decant them into an empty water bottle. I'd go elsewhere and buy the regular bottle. I would then dispose of the empty mini bottles and stash the water bottle in my handbag (I purposely used large handbags). No-one at home would ever dream of going into my bag, so I knew I was 'safe'. Eventually, the handbag would wind up upstairs - "I'm off for a soak in the bath" was the favoured excuse. I don't need to explain the rest.
Toward the end it wasn't the extra wine I was buying. I started to buy those little plastic miniature bottles of vodka. As is typical, eventually this didn't do the trick either. I graduated to buying the quarter bottles of vodka (as well as the wine of course) and decanting this into a water bottle...... I reasoned that it was cheaper to do it this way - the quarter bottle of vodka would last me for longer.... yeah, right!
Why? Exactly the same reason as One Crafty Mother - so that I could lie about how much I was really drinking. I was conscious of the fact that how much I was drinking was being 'noted' and I was desperate to hide this, so I demonstrated that "I don't drink that much" by 'only' drinking half of the bottle of wine, but then disappearing upstairs every so often for a mouth full of whatever was stashed away.
Thinking back now, I cringe at how secretive and sneaky I was ... how all consuming having a problem with alcohol is.
I am so pleased that I am free!
I'm not as bad as xxxx. That was something else I would tell myself. Truth be known: I did and I was (I was probably worse).
Red wine was eventually my poison of choice (together with the sneaky bottles of vodka). I wasn't fussy on which kind or what price. I could just as soon polish off a supermarket own brand priced at £4.99 or a bottle that cost £10.00 plus. Towards the end of my drinking days, I went for the cheaper brands but always, always, checked the alcohol percentage content; 12% ? Nah - no good! 13% - Ok!, 14% - great!!!. 14.5%? KER BLOODY CHING
A good while ago I was reading One Crafty Mother's blog and read a post when she described scrabbling around in her bathroom cupboard because she knew she had filled an empty bottle of water with wine and had hidden it there. When she found it, she found she had already drunk it. She did this so it would appear to her husband that she wasn't drinking as much. She also hid a half empty bottle in the washing machine. I remember vividly thinking "my god, how far did she sink into alcoholism?"
Thinking back now, I did pretty much the same and more. Towards the latter stages of my excessive drinking, I would often go and purchase two mini bottles of wine from the supermarket at the end of the working day and decant them into an empty water bottle. I'd go elsewhere and buy the regular bottle. I would then dispose of the empty mini bottles and stash the water bottle in my handbag (I purposely used large handbags). No-one at home would ever dream of going into my bag, so I knew I was 'safe'. Eventually, the handbag would wind up upstairs - "I'm off for a soak in the bath" was the favoured excuse. I don't need to explain the rest.
Toward the end it wasn't the extra wine I was buying. I started to buy those little plastic miniature bottles of vodka. As is typical, eventually this didn't do the trick either. I graduated to buying the quarter bottles of vodka (as well as the wine of course) and decanting this into a water bottle...... I reasoned that it was cheaper to do it this way - the quarter bottle of vodka would last me for longer.... yeah, right!
Why? Exactly the same reason as One Crafty Mother - so that I could lie about how much I was really drinking. I was conscious of the fact that how much I was drinking was being 'noted' and I was desperate to hide this, so I demonstrated that "I don't drink that much" by 'only' drinking half of the bottle of wine, but then disappearing upstairs every so often for a mouth full of whatever was stashed away.
Thinking back now, I cringe at how secretive and sneaky I was ... how all consuming having a problem with alcohol is.
I am so pleased that I am free!
Wednesday 18 October 2017
A kick up the butt and feeling good!
After feeling so flat on Monday after getting to 100 days sober, I decided that I needed a kick up the arse. That is what I have given myself: I HAVE BEEN ALCOHOL FREE FOR 102 DAYS!!!!
Yes, quite rightly I should feel shame for being a drunken wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and work colleague. But, I have to give myself the mind set that that is in the past. I cannot undo the past, but I can make a better future by being sober, by being me, and by being free.
I have to start by saying "It feels wonderful to be sober!"
As well as the physical benefits, I truly feel free mentally: No longer do I wake at 3am feeling like shit, promising to myself that I will never drink again, No longer will I get to 4pm at work and think "roll on 5 o'clock when I can go home and have a glass of well deserved wine", no longer do I feel the need to clock watch and, if Mr W was home, wonder what he was thinking or wonder what he might say when I burst through the door after getting home from work immediately pouring myself a glass of wine .... because, you know, I'd had such a hard day at work and I deserved it. No longer do I get to 8 o'clock (often earlier) and realise that I've sunk most of the bottle, that I only have an inch left in the bottom and haven't had enough yet.... I need more. No longer do I have the blackouts.
Now, my mind is clearer. I can hold and can remember conversations with my nearest and dearest. If someone telephones me at 7.30pm I answer the phone and talk to them legibly. I'm not thinking "Don't answer the phone, you're drunk, you're slurring ... pretend you are not in, pretend you haven't heard the mobile ring".
I don't have that continuous anxiousness: I feel like shit - do I look like it? I feel shaky - are my hands shaking? Do I smell of stale alcohol?
Overall, I feel relief. I'm not worried. It is a fantastic feeling.
I can also be called upon to be an impromptu taxi .... most recently I picked up my father who had been on a night out and took him home. I picked up one of my girls instead of making her wait for public transport.
I don't have to be worried about whether or not I'm still over the limit in the morning ... or, on occasion, after a particularly large binge - probably still drunk.
I don't have to worry as much about the finances either. I have that extra money from not buying the booze!
Physically, I look and feel much healthier. I am not gaunt looking. My eyes are bright and not bloodshot. My skin tone has improved as have the eye bags - in fact, my husband has remarked on more than one occasion that I look radiant. My sleeping pattern still isn't particularly great... I expected that I would sleep like a log. I don't. I still wake up several times during the night, but only briefly and I feel that the quality of my sleep is much much better. I'm not wide awake at 3am in the morning and then getting up because I can't get back to sleep. Most mornings, I still feel 'Ugh', but not for long. I can cope with that.
The only 'slight' downside is that since stopping smoking in February and now stopping drinking booze, I have put on almost 3 stone in weight. About half of that I badly needed.... the rest, not so much. I am getting to the stage where I think I need to do something about it - laying off the ice cream would be a really good start. I'm not going to fret too much about it though... after all, I HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR 102 DAYS!!
Tuesday 17 October 2017
So, what's so special about reaching 100 days sober?
Yesterday, I had been sober for 100 days. I wish I could say that that fact filled me with awe about how well I've done. It didn't.
Sunday night, whilst tossing and turning in bed, I spent a lot of time thinking "tomorrow will be 100 days ..... yes? and? what about it?"
What is so special about this milestone? Does it mean I'm cured? Does it mean I can be a 'normal' drinker? No, it absolutely does not.
Will my sobriety get any easier from now on? Oh, I hope so.
I though I might feel a little different on Monday. I didn't. To be honest, I felt very 'flat' throughout the whole day. I did try to think about how well I have done, but just couldn't. All I can think about is what I was before and I remember the shame and the guilt. How truly, truly horrible it must have been to live with me.
Surprisingly, when I first stopped drinking alcohol, I found it relatively easy. I really expected the worst withdrawal symptoms... that I would experience horrendous headaches, I would feel like I had flu and that I may have the shakes a bit (I used to find that I was a bit shaky the in the morning after a drinking session). I didn't have any of those. What I did have was the longing and craving for alcohol - but, again, not too bad. What I did in these circumstances was to think about my past behaviour.... what I had been like.... all the times I made an arse of myself, the blackouts, how awful I must have been. I realise now that I've been concentrating on the bad things for too long and it's become a way of life to beat myself up every single day.
Quite rightly, I should be deeply ashamed and horrified, but I think that I should also should have made myself think more of the good things: How much better I look and feel, how my husband and children have a wife and mother who is just 'there'.
I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a rut and I need to take steps to train myself to think of the positive things of not drinking alcohol. I need to pull the shutter down on those thoughts, but I don't think I deserve that just yet.
After reading various blogs and articles, I'm also wondering if I'm suffering from a bit of PAWS and a little bit of depression (caused by my negative thoughts).
Part of my problem is that I haven't shared my feelings with anyone. I've caused my husband and children so much emotional pain in the past, I don't feel that I put this on their shoulders too. I don't have many friends, but the one that I have 'confided' in doesn't know the half of how bad I really was.
I'm flagging and I know it. But one thing is for sure - I do not want to drink alcohol.
Thursday 12 October 2017
Day 96 and still going strong (ish)............
I've just commented on Mummy was a secret drinker's most recent post: "The best thing about being sober is". Mine is that I am me again, I have my life back, my husband and children have me back.... I have a future.
I realised, having to provide my email address to make a comment, that I have somewhat neglected my blog. I'm not quite sure of the reasons for this: I have been very very busy with work and I'm pretty much exhausted by the time I get home and get tea out of the way. My family also don't know that I've been keeping a blog so I can't really update it when I'm at home and they are there. Also, the point of doing this blog was primarily to help support myself and to make myself accountable. I'm not sure if I really need that.
So, I'm on day 96 and I feel so proud of myself. It feels like I have been sober for ages. Realistically, it isn't that long and I need to remember that my husband or children don't have short memories. Nor do I.
I 'remember' all of those shameful, humiliating things I did. Some I remember with clear clarity; That time when I put the dog out before going to bed, but being so rat-arsed that I fell over on the lawn - not just onto my hands and knees either. I face planted the grass. I was so out of it that I could barely get back up. When I did, I fell again. I had to crawl and pull myself up using the gate and then use the wall as a guide to get back into the house. I staggered upstairs to bed and flaked (passed?) out. Luckily, I was home alone so no-one saw. I also didn't lock the back door. I was also very fortunate that I didn't knock myself out or badly injure myself. Even situations like this weren't enough to make me open my eyes to my problem. Christ, what was wrong with me?
There are the times I don't remember, I just wondered where I got that big bruise on my leg from.
Some things I had to be reminded of. It was these times when I felt really ashamed of myself. In fact, I hated myself. Unfortunately, I loved alcohol better than myself and better than my family.
When I take the time to reflect about how well I have done, my mind always turns to those dark times and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. I'm not sure what I can do about this. Will these feelings fade with time?
I'm still doing lots of blog reading. It helps to enforce that I'm doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing - for me: because I want to.
I realised, having to provide my email address to make a comment, that I have somewhat neglected my blog. I'm not quite sure of the reasons for this: I have been very very busy with work and I'm pretty much exhausted by the time I get home and get tea out of the way. My family also don't know that I've been keeping a blog so I can't really update it when I'm at home and they are there. Also, the point of doing this blog was primarily to help support myself and to make myself accountable. I'm not sure if I really need that.
So, I'm on day 96 and I feel so proud of myself. It feels like I have been sober for ages. Realistically, it isn't that long and I need to remember that my husband or children don't have short memories. Nor do I.
I 'remember' all of those shameful, humiliating things I did. Some I remember with clear clarity; That time when I put the dog out before going to bed, but being so rat-arsed that I fell over on the lawn - not just onto my hands and knees either. I face planted the grass. I was so out of it that I could barely get back up. When I did, I fell again. I had to crawl and pull myself up using the gate and then use the wall as a guide to get back into the house. I staggered upstairs to bed and flaked (passed?) out. Luckily, I was home alone so no-one saw. I also didn't lock the back door. I was also very fortunate that I didn't knock myself out or badly injure myself. Even situations like this weren't enough to make me open my eyes to my problem. Christ, what was wrong with me?
There are the times I don't remember, I just wondered where I got that big bruise on my leg from.
Some things I had to be reminded of. It was these times when I felt really ashamed of myself. In fact, I hated myself. Unfortunately, I loved alcohol better than myself and better than my family.
When I take the time to reflect about how well I have done, my mind always turns to those dark times and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. I'm not sure what I can do about this. Will these feelings fade with time?
I'm still doing lots of blog reading. It helps to enforce that I'm doing the right thing. I am doing the right thing - for me: because I want to.
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