Day 34...

I feel so proud that I am now on day 34 with no booze passing my lips.  For me, 34 days feels like an age but I think to my long suffering husband and children it feels just like what it is - 34 days ... no time at all.  It is a little disheartening.

I'm still getting the vibes that I still can't be quite 'trusted' - mainly from the husband.  While I fully understand where he is coming from (I have some very shameful half memories to remind me) it still smarts a little.

Some examples:

Last week Daughter number 2 asked what I would like for my birthday which is fairly soon.  I said I would like to buy myself some new boots and possibly a new jacket for the autumn - so a contribution towards that would be lovely.  D2 said she'd just give me some money then, husband said "just get a voucher for .... store or for the .......... shopping centre".  It crossed my mind then that he was thinking along the lines that I might use the money to buy booze!  That hurt....

Just a few days ago, I had gone to bed (before him) and was just putting a few things away and getting organised to get into bed with my book when he burst in through the bedroom door just as I was getting into bed and asked what I was doing.  I told him nothing - just getting sorted to get into bed.  He said he's heard me creeping around so I was doing something.  I wondered if he thought I'd gone to bed earlier than him (five minutes) so that I could have a drink of something that I had hidden away.  I suggested that if he didn't trust me then he was welcome to look anywhere he liked.

Last night I successfully managed a 'sober first':  I went out to an after work function to a cocktail bar.  When I first told the hubby my plans, I could see the cogs in his brain working.  I placated him by telling him that it was straight after work, I had the car, I wouldn't be staying for the duration and I WON'T BE AND DON'T WANT TO DRINK ANY ALCOHOL.  Despite my reservations and slight nervousness I went and I did it and ... it wasn't all that bad.  I even refused the persistent ramblings of a colleague to have a try of her gin cocktail.  I had a couple of very nice mocktails and I enjoyed myself.  I didn't experience the usual feelings of making sure I had enough to drink without it appearing that I was drinking a lot.  I actually liked being sober and - I wasn't the only one!  I got no urge to have just one.  Anyway, I got home feeling a little proud of myself.  The girls asked in an uninterested, bored way if I'd had a good time.  My husband sat and stared at me as if he was trying to see if I'd had a drink.  A short while later, I got a kiss - with a 'sniff'.  Not being sure just by looking at me if I'd had a drink he was trying to see if he could smell it.

Truthfully, that really but a downer on my night.  I do get exactly where he is coming from but I don't think he has grasped that I'm trying bloody hard and I don't want to drink booze.

I'm wondering if it's a 'timescale thing' too - I've gone x amount of days, when will I slip up and give in?