Day 49

Day 49!  Seven whole weeks AF!

Last week I even managed another 'first' in my sobriety.  I had arranged for a friend to come over for a meal and for a catch up whilst Mr W was doing a late shift.  Wine has always been involved... Lots of it too.  As per my previous post, I had mentioned that I wouldn't be drinking alcohol.  On the morning of the night she was coming over I got a text asking if I minded if she brought herself a bottle.  "No, I don't mind" I said, while thinking fuck, this is going to be a real test.

I passed that test with flying colours.   The fact that she was drinking wine and I had my sparkling elderflower did not bother me at all.  She did ask if my not drinking was a fad/health kick or if it was a forever thing.  I explained that I was intending it to be a forever thing because I'd come to the conclusion that I was drinking way to much, I can't moderate and I was sick of looking and feeling like crap every day.  She didn't drink all of it and left a quarter of a bottle in my fridge when she went home.

That quarter bottle was still in the fridge the next morning and I realised that it had never even entered my head that I could have drunk it and no-one would have known it was me... Except me of course.  

When my hubby got up, he asked if I'd had a good night (reading between the lines .... Did you drink wine?).  I told him yes, I'd had a great night and it was completely AF.  With a great flourish (now it seems like It was with too much flourish), I got that bottle of out the fridge and tipped the remaining wine down the sink.  It smelled awful!

This last week, I have started to feel a little complacent about being sober.  I really don't think that I should be feeling that I'm fine, I'm over that little problem with alcohol that 'I had'.  I am never going to be over that 'little' problem.  It wasn't (isn't?) little it was BIG.

Whilst I feel and look much much healthier - those suitcases I was carrying under my eyes have gone and my face has a bit of radiance to it - I realise that I have mentally come to a point where I need to take stock and list those pro's and con's .. If only to help me realise why I shouldn't become too complacent.  I think to become so, may be a slippery slope to alcohol oblivion and I don't want that.

Sober Negativity

Day 38 now (yay!) ... I've noticed that I now have to think how many days I've been sober which, I hope is a good thing.

The last couple of days have been strange ones which have left me feeling a little 'flat' and have made me wonder "Am I going to become boring (being sober)?"

I think I've come to the point in my sobriety where I have to explain myself to others a little - as to why I'm not drinking alcohol.  I certainly do not want to say (admit?) that I am a raging alcoholic who cannot have just one drink, who blacks out most nights and does and says things that I cannot remember, but who still feels a huge sense of shame and disgust?  I know in reality that is exactly what I am (was) - but I don't want to put my hand up and admit that..... just yet.

I've had a couple of little conversations over the last few weeks with my boss where at the end of the day he's made the comment "You'll be rushing to the supermarket for that bottle of red now then?"  I did wonder whether I should just respond as I sometimes had - laugh and agree.  Sometimes I've  I have said "no - night off tonight".  Last week when I had the work function, I had the car as an excuse.  Last night, when I got the usual supermarket comment, I made the night off comment - which got the response "What!  Again?  On a health fad are we?"  In my mind I said:  Well, you see Mr Boss Man, for the last god knows how many years I've been a (I think) high functional alcohol dependant.  Many, many times I've felt like shit and I've had to drag myself into work.  In fact, on more than one occasion I've felt so bad I've pulled a sickie ...... remember back in March when I said I had food poisoning following a family birthday meal out?  Nope - I had a falling out with a couple of members of my family the day after the meal and I drank myself into oblivion during the day .... red wine was my poison of choice.  I did have sickness and diarrhoea on the Monday - but it was all to do with what I drank.  In fact Mr Boss Man you have entrusted me with some pretty big responsibilities.  I've carried out my duties but, again, on more than one occasion I've still been slightly tipsy from the night before."

What I actually said was "Well, yes I am actually.  I decided to stay off booze for a little while and, actually I quite like it."  I was met with an open mouthed stare.  Mr Boss Man is also a heavy drinker.

In the last couple of days I've also spoken to a good friend to organise a catch up.  I did warn that I wouldn't be boozing and outlined one or two reasons why.  I'm sure it wasn't really the case, but I could sense almost a disappointment.  I felt like I had to explain myself without the gory details.  In fact I think I went overboard in explaining... I probably sounded self righteous.  I'll learn!

Day 34...

I feel so proud that I am now on day 34 with no booze passing my lips.  For me, 34 days feels like an age but I think to my long suffering husband and children it feels just like what it is - 34 days ... no time at all.  It is a little disheartening.

I'm still getting the vibes that I still can't be quite 'trusted' - mainly from the husband.  While I fully understand where he is coming from (I have some very shameful half memories to remind me) it still smarts a little.

Some examples:

Last week Daughter number 2 asked what I would like for my birthday which is fairly soon.  I said I would like to buy myself some new boots and possibly a new jacket for the autumn - so a contribution towards that would be lovely.  D2 said she'd just give me some money then, husband said "just get a voucher for .... store or for the .......... shopping centre".  It crossed my mind then that he was thinking along the lines that I might use the money to buy booze!  That hurt....

Just a few days ago, I had gone to bed (before him) and was just putting a few things away and getting organised to get into bed with my book when he burst in through the bedroom door just as I was getting into bed and asked what I was doing.  I told him nothing - just getting sorted to get into bed.  He said he's heard me creeping around so I was doing something.  I wondered if he thought I'd gone to bed earlier than him (five minutes) so that I could have a drink of something that I had hidden away.  I suggested that if he didn't trust me then he was welcome to look anywhere he liked.

Last night I successfully managed a 'sober first':  I went out to an after work function to a cocktail bar.  When I first told the hubby my plans, I could see the cogs in his brain working.  I placated him by telling him that it was straight after work, I had the car, I wouldn't be staying for the duration and I WON'T BE AND DON'T WANT TO DRINK ANY ALCOHOL.  Despite my reservations and slight nervousness I went and I did it and ... it wasn't all that bad.  I even refused the persistent ramblings of a colleague to have a try of her gin cocktail.  I had a couple of very nice mocktails and I enjoyed myself.  I didn't experience the usual feelings of making sure I had enough to drink without it appearing that I was drinking a lot.  I actually liked being sober and - I wasn't the only one!  I got no urge to have just one.  Anyway, I got home feeling a little proud of myself.  The girls asked in an uninterested, bored way if I'd had a good time.  My husband sat and stared at me as if he was trying to see if I'd had a drink.  A short while later, I got a kiss - with a 'sniff'.  Not being sure just by looking at me if I'd had a drink he was trying to see if he could smell it.

Truthfully, that really but a downer on my night.  I do get exactly where he is coming from but I don't think he has grasped that I'm trying bloody hard and I don't want to drink booze.

I'm wondering if it's a 'timescale thing' too - I've gone x amount of days, when will I slip up and give in?

A better evening but I need sleep!

Last night went much much better than the previous one.  I managed to keep the wine witch pretty much quiet.  A trigger, I think, for me is cooking tea.  When the hubby was at home either having a day off or following an early shift, I would clock watch until 6pm (officially wine o'clock).  I'd drink my first glass and get on with cooking the tea.  Following my battle with the wine witch the evening before, I changed tack.  Knowing it would just be myself and the hubby for tea I decided to buy food I could chuck in the oven and the microwave so I avoided the supermarket and went to M & S instead (they don't have tempting cans or bottles of booze at the end of each and every aisle.... Although there are bottles of Prosecco amongst the pizzas).  After, I found a film on Netflix to watch and the night seemed to pass fairly quickly... Before I knew it, it was 11pm.

Now, here is another of my little problems.  I had hoped very much that quitting the booze would help me sleep much better.  Absolutely not the case.  Yes, I can stay awake for much much longer, but  I am so restless during the night and I'm waking up several times.  I did buy and have tried some Nytol, but they just give me restless feet and hands.  I suspect the problem is that using alcohol to get me to sleep (or partially comatose more like it) has been part of my life for so long that my body doesn't yet have the ability to sleep properly without the aid of alcohol.  Whilst I wake in the morning  feeling slightly shitty, grumpy and still tired at least I'm not hungover or still slightly pissed.  After 15 minutes and a cup of coffee I start to feel alive.  I'm hopeful that a full peaceful nights sleep will happen soon.

At least tomorrow (Saturday), I can have a lie in!

There you are wine witch!

After 25 days of being sober, last night was the first night when I would truly be alone.  The first few days, Hubby was off work so I had his company to distract me as he did during our holidays.  The first few days after our holiday, I knew the girls would be back home at some point and I had also arranged to pick hubby up from work when he finished just after 8pm - I could because I was SOBER!

Last night was different.  Hubby was doing a late shift, the older daughter was out all night and the younger one wouldn't be back until after 9pm.  Easy, I thought.  I made my plans to keep me occupied.  I wasn't too worried.  Yes, the wine witch has been sitting on my shoulder whispering her sweet nothings to me (see, you've gone this long without a drink... You can moderate... Give it a go!  You probably won't even like the taste anymore, but give it a go!). Usually, I've been able to kick her are into touch fairly easily.

Well, after work I went to the supermarket headed towards the home baking section when I walked past an end aisle filled with cans of cider and different ales I think.  BAM!! The wine witch practically screamed at me "go on.  Just one, that's all you need.  No-one will know.  You can drink it and get rid of the can, you won't even get tipsy!!!!"  I could picture my hand reaching for one.  I was so shocked with how strong this 'craving' was, I felt physically sick.  I'm sure all colour drained from my face.

Then, I pictured what I imagined I had done during my most recent blackout (pissed myself), then I pictured another time when I fell over in the back garden and could barely get back up.  That did the trick.  I knew / know I won't stop at one drink.

Back home I was fine, but that episode has got me thinking hard.  This is going to be my life for the foreseeable future.  I can never ever drink alcohol again.... But surely I shouldn't be thinking 'I can't'.  I should be thinking 'I don't want to'.

The Holiday

So, on my fifth day of being alcohol free, the hubby and I went on holiday for two weeks.  It was bliss and - most importantly alcohol free!

Whilst it hasn't been easy peasy I can't say that it has been really hard either.  I had worried a great deal that I was so dependant on alcohol that I might suffer some awful withdrawal symptoms... the thumping headache, the shakes and the inability to function properly.  In fact, being honest, I used it as an excuse not to quit.  The only 'symptom' that I've suffered from is that I haven't been sleeping particularly well, but I'm hoping that I will sleep like a log soon.  The lack of sleep isn't bothering me too much because I'm not hung over, so it isn't taking me too long to fully wake up and function.

I think the holiday was a kind of rehab for me and it was helped greatly that the husband did not drink alcohol either.  Not that I stopped him, but I think he thought it would be more beneficial to me if he didn't.  I love him all the more for that thoughtfulness.

I did find that I studied other people's drinking habits.  This may have been to prove that I'm not the only one with a problem.  I was shocked actually... By the fact that most people did not drink alcohol like it was going out of fashion.  Sure, there were some that had a pint of lager sat in front of them by 11am, but for the most part I saw people drinking  ONE glass of wine... Shockingly some even left some of that one glass of wine!  That would have been completely alien to me.  I would never ever in a million years leave a sip of wine in my glass.  I did observe that lots and lots of people just drank water or soft drinks.... Just like me.

I've been back from holiday for a week now and I'm on day 25.  Tonight is my first night completely alone at home.  Hubby is back to work doing a late shift and the girls are out for the night.  Ordinarily  this would mean that I could get shitfaced even before my tea was ready.  I'd then stumble to bed by 8.30pm at the latest.  Tonight will be different.  I need to be on my own to prove that I won't listen to the wine witch.  I haven't made plans to see family or even go for a walk.  I have made plans to cook myself a lovely tea and then after I'm going to do some baking.  Once tidied up, I'm going to watch a film.... All the way through, without falling asleep.