So, what's so special about reaching 100 days sober?

Yesterday, I had been sober for 100 days.  I wish I could say that that fact filled me with awe about how well I've done.  It didn't.

Sunday night, whilst tossing and turning in bed, I spent a lot of time thinking "tomorrow will be 100 days ..... yes?  and?  what about it?"

What is so special about this milestone?  Does it mean I'm cured?  Does it mean I can be a 'normal' drinker?  No, it absolutely does not.

Will my sobriety get any easier from now on?  Oh, I hope so.

I though I might feel a little different on Monday.  I didn't.  To be honest, I felt very 'flat' throughout the whole day.  I did try to think about how well I have done, but just couldn't.  All I can think about is what I was before and I remember the shame and the guilt.  How truly, truly horrible it must have been to live with me.

Surprisingly, when I first stopped drinking alcohol, I found it relatively easy.  I really expected the worst withdrawal symptoms... that I would experience horrendous headaches, I would feel like I had flu and that I may have the shakes a bit (I used to find that I was a bit shaky the in the morning after a drinking session).    I didn't have any of those.  What I did have was the longing and craving for alcohol - but, again, not too bad.  What I did in these circumstances was to think about my past behaviour.... what I had been like.... all the times I made an arse of myself, the blackouts, how awful I must have been.  I realise now that I've been concentrating on the bad things for too long and it's become a way of life to beat myself up every single day.

Quite rightly, I should be deeply ashamed and horrified, but I think that I should also should have made myself think more of the good things:  How much better I look and feel, how my husband and children have a wife and mother who is just 'there'.

I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a rut and I need to take steps to train myself to think of the positive things of not drinking alcohol.  I need to pull the shutter down on those thoughts, but I don't think I deserve that just yet.

After reading various blogs and articles, I'm also wondering if I'm suffering from a bit of PAWS and a little bit of depression (caused by my negative thoughts).

Part of my problem is that I haven't shared my feelings with anyone.  I've caused my husband and children so much emotional pain in the past, I don't feel that I put this on their shoulders too.  I don't have many friends, but the one that I have 'confided' in doesn't know the half of how bad I really was.

I'm flagging and I know it.  But one thing is for sure - I do not want to drink alcohol.