After feeling so flat on Monday after getting to 100 days sober, I decided that I needed a kick up the arse. That is what I have given myself: I HAVE BEEN ALCOHOL FREE FOR 102 DAYS!!!!
Yes, quite rightly I should feel shame for being a drunken wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and work colleague. But, I have to give myself the mind set that that is in the past. I cannot undo the past, but I can make a better future by being sober, by being me, and by being free.
I have to start by saying "It feels wonderful to be sober!"
As well as the physical benefits, I truly feel free mentally: No longer do I wake at 3am feeling like shit, promising to myself that I will never drink again, No longer will I get to 4pm at work and think "roll on 5 o'clock when I can go home and have a glass of well deserved wine", no longer do I feel the need to clock watch and, if Mr W was home, wonder what he was thinking or wonder what he might say when I burst through the door after getting home from work immediately pouring myself a glass of wine .... because, you know, I'd had such a hard day at work and I deserved it. No longer do I get to 8 o'clock (often earlier) and realise that I've sunk most of the bottle, that I only have an inch left in the bottom and haven't had enough yet.... I need more. No longer do I have the blackouts.
Now, my mind is clearer. I can hold and can remember conversations with my nearest and dearest. If someone telephones me at 7.30pm I answer the phone and talk to them legibly. I'm not thinking "Don't answer the phone, you're drunk, you're slurring ... pretend you are not in, pretend you haven't heard the mobile ring".
I don't have that continuous anxiousness: I feel like shit - do I look like it? I feel shaky - are my hands shaking? Do I smell of stale alcohol?
Overall, I feel relief. I'm not worried. It is a fantastic feeling.
I can also be called upon to be an impromptu taxi .... most recently I picked up my father who had been on a night out and took him home. I picked up one of my girls instead of making her wait for public transport.
I don't have to be worried about whether or not I'm still over the limit in the morning ... or, on occasion, after a particularly large binge - probably still drunk.
I don't have to worry as much about the finances either. I have that extra money from not buying the booze!
Physically, I look and feel much healthier. I am not gaunt looking. My eyes are bright and not bloodshot. My skin tone has improved as have the eye bags - in fact, my husband has remarked on more than one occasion that I look radiant. My sleeping pattern still isn't particularly great... I expected that I would sleep like a log. I don't. I still wake up several times during the night, but only briefly and I feel that the quality of my sleep is much much better. I'm not wide awake at 3am in the morning and then getting up because I can't get back to sleep. Most mornings, I still feel 'Ugh', but not for long. I can cope with that.
The only 'slight' downside is that since stopping smoking in February and now stopping drinking booze, I have put on almost 3 stone in weight. About half of that I badly needed.... the rest, not so much. I am getting to the stage where I think I need to do something about it - laying off the ice cream would be a really good start. I'm not going to fret too much about it though... after all, I HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR 102 DAYS!!
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