Yesterday, I had been sober for 100 days. I wish I could say that that fact filled me with awe about how well I've done. It didn't.
Sunday night, whilst tossing and turning in bed, I spent a lot of time thinking "tomorrow will be 100 days ..... yes? and? what about it?"
What is so special about this milestone? Does it mean I'm cured? Does it mean I can be a 'normal' drinker? No, it absolutely does not.
Will my sobriety get any easier from now on? Oh, I hope so.
I though I might feel a little different on Monday. I didn't. To be honest, I felt very 'flat' throughout the whole day. I did try to think about how well I have done, but just couldn't. All I can think about is what I was before and I remember the shame and the guilt. How truly, truly horrible it must have been to live with me.
Surprisingly, when I first stopped drinking alcohol, I found it relatively easy. I really expected the worst withdrawal symptoms... that I would experience horrendous headaches, I would feel like I had flu and that I may have the shakes a bit (I used to find that I was a bit shaky the in the morning after a drinking session). I didn't have any of those. What I did have was the longing and craving for alcohol - but, again, not too bad. What I did in these circumstances was to think about my past behaviour.... what I had been like.... all the times I made an arse of myself, the blackouts, how awful I must have been. I realise now that I've been concentrating on the bad things for too long and it's become a way of life to beat myself up every single day.
Quite rightly, I should be deeply ashamed and horrified, but I think that I should also should have made myself think more of the good things: How much better I look and feel, how my husband and children have a wife and mother who is just 'there'.
I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a rut and I need to take steps to train myself to think of the positive things of not drinking alcohol. I need to pull the shutter down on those thoughts, but I don't think I deserve that just yet.
After reading various blogs and articles, I'm also wondering if I'm suffering from a bit of PAWS and a little bit of depression (caused by my negative thoughts).
Part of my problem is that I haven't shared my feelings with anyone. I've caused my husband and children so much emotional pain in the past, I don't feel that I put this on their shoulders too. I don't have many friends, but the one that I have 'confided' in doesn't know the half of how bad I really was.
I'm flagging and I know it. But one thing is for sure - I do not want to drink alcohol.
