I don't drink that much ....

That's what I used to tell myself.  I was such a liar.

I'm not as bad as xxxx.  That was something else I would tell myself.   Truth be known:  I did and I was (I was probably worse). 

Red wine was eventually my poison of choice (together with the sneaky bottles of vodka).  I wasn't fussy on which kind or what price.  I could just as soon polish off a supermarket own brand priced at £4.99 or a bottle that cost £10.00 plus.  Towards the end of my drinking days, I went for the cheaper brands but always, always, checked the alcohol percentage content; 12% ?  Nah - no good!  13% - Ok!, 14% - great!!!.  14.5%?  KER BLOODY CHING

A good while ago I was reading One Crafty Mother's blog and read a post when she described scrabbling around in her bathroom cupboard because she knew she had filled an empty bottle of water with wine and had hidden it there.  When she found it, she found she had already drunk it.  She did this so it would appear to her husband that she wasn't drinking as much.   She also hid a half empty bottle in the washing machine.  I remember vividly thinking "my god, how far did she sink into alcoholism?" 

Thinking back now, I did pretty much the same and more.  Towards the latter stages of my excessive drinking, I would often go and purchase two mini bottles of wine from the supermarket at the end of the working day and decant them into an empty water bottle.  I'd go elsewhere and buy the regular bottle.  I would then dispose of the empty mini bottles and stash the water bottle in my handbag (I purposely used large handbags).  No-one at home would ever dream of going into my bag, so I knew I was 'safe'.  Eventually, the handbag would wind up upstairs - "I'm off for a soak in the bath" was the favoured excuse.  I don't need to explain the rest.

Toward the end it wasn't the extra wine I was buying.  I started to buy those little plastic miniature bottles of vodka.  As is typical, eventually this didn't do the trick either.  I graduated to buying the quarter bottles of vodka (as well as the wine of course) and decanting this into a water bottle......  I reasoned that it was cheaper to do it this way - the quarter bottle of vodka would last me for longer.... yeah, right!

Why?  Exactly the same reason as One Crafty Mother - so that I could lie about how much I was really drinking.  I was conscious of the fact that how much I was drinking was being 'noted' and I was desperate to hide this, so I demonstrated that "I don't drink that much" by 'only' drinking half of the bottle of wine, but then disappearing upstairs every so often for a mouth full of whatever was stashed away. 

Thinking back now, I cringe at how secretive and sneaky I was ... how all consuming having a problem with alcohol is.

I am so pleased that I am free!