Day 96 and still going strong (ish)............

I've just commented on Mummy was a secret drinker's most recent post:  "The best thing about being sober is".  Mine is that I am me again, I have my life back, my husband and children have me back.... I have a future.

I realised, having to provide my email address to make a comment, that I have somewhat neglected my blog.  I'm not quite sure of the reasons for this:  I have been very very busy with work and I'm pretty much exhausted by the time I get home and get tea out of the way.  My family also don't know that I've been keeping a blog so I can't really update it when I'm at home and they are there.  Also, the point of doing this blog was primarily to help support myself and to make myself accountable.  I'm not sure if I really need that.

So, I'm on day 96 and I feel so proud of myself.  It feels like I have been sober for ages.  Realistically, it isn't that long and I need to remember that my husband or children don't have short memories.  Nor do I.

I 'remember' all of those shameful, humiliating things I did.  Some I remember with clear clarity; That time when I put the dog out before going to bed, but being so rat-arsed that I fell over on the lawn - not just onto my hands and knees either.  I face planted the grass.  I was so out of it that I could barely get back up.  When I did, I fell again.  I had to crawl and pull myself up using the gate and then use the wall as a guide to get back into the house.  I staggered upstairs to bed and flaked (passed?) out.  Luckily, I was home alone so no-one saw.  I also didn't lock the back door.  I was also very fortunate that I didn't knock myself out or badly injure myself.  Even situations like this weren't enough to make me open my eyes to my problem.  Christ, what was wrong with me?

There are the times I don't remember, I just wondered where I got that big bruise on my leg from.

Some things I had to be reminded of.  It was these times when I felt really ashamed of myself.  In fact, I hated myself.  Unfortunately, I loved alcohol better than myself and better than my family.

When I take the time to reflect about how well I have done, my mind always turns to those dark times and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself.  I'm not sure what I can do about this.  Will these feelings fade with time?

I'm still doing lots of blog reading.  It helps to enforce that I'm doing the right thing.  I am doing the right thing - for me:  because I want to.