A dilemma and a wobble

My youngest child, who is a young adult, is pretty good at cake making and decorating and she's in the middle of making a cake for someone.  She is making various decorations with fondant icing which require painting and the powder that she is using needs to be mixed with something that is alcohol based rather than water (don't ask me why... I don't have a clue).  

We were having a chat and she was explaining how she was doing things and mentioned she had obtained a bit of vodka (that was in a water bottle) from a friend so that she can mix the powder to paint the icing.  I was not phased, nor bothered by this and really didn't give it a second thought.

Then she left the house and I went into a cupboard to get tin foil out.... There, on the top shelf is the water bottle with an inch of vodka in it.  I could smell it as soon as I opened the cupboard.  I really, really wanted it.  The wine/vodka witch was straight there... Telling me I could have a sip, have a taste, I won't like it anyway..... No-one will know... Top it up with water... 

I think that this is the first time that I have really felt a really strong  craving for alcohol.  Before, I have yearned for a drink but I don't think I have really physically felt this bad before.  I am shocked that after all this time of being sober that I can still experience this.  I am really sad to realise that I still really have a problem being around alcohol.  Sure, I'm fine being around other people drinking.  I  have had a left over bottle of wine in my fridge before .... But insidious vodka in my home?  No.

I can't blame my daughter.  She won't have realised that it might have this effect on me.  It didn't enter any of our heads.  But should I ask her to be more thoughtful in future?  Do I want my family to know that they still might not be able to trust me?

I am pleased to report that after a bit of pacing around the house and a bit of hand wringing, I gave myself a mental smack across the face.  I have been sober for 42 weeks.  Dos I really want to give that up for a sip of poison?  I've managed to distract myself by putting some washing away and running myself a bath with lots of bubbles.... So, I'm enjoying a soak in the bath whilst looking at reviews for hotel we are staying at when we go on holiday (and blogging on here).  I wouldn't be doing this if I were not sober.  Luckily, Mr W will be home from work too!  Xx