OBD (Obsessive Booze Disorder)

Using the title 'My OBD (Obsessive Booze Disorder), may seem like I am taking the piss out of people who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I'm not, because, to me, I DID obsess about alcohol - from the minute I woke up to the minute I passed out in bed .... and then usually at 3am, 3.30am, 4.00am - until I would give in and get up and............

It wasn't just that I thought about booze, it was also what I did.

Usually, my first thoughts would be "Urgh, I feel crap", followed by "Shit, what happened last night?  What did I do?".  I wasn't an aggressive drunk, or sloppy.  When I'd had a lot to drink at home, I would usually be quiet.  I was conscious of the fact that I slurred and repeated myself, so I just shut-up.  I tended to usually just go to bed incredibly early and pass out.  Although sometimes one of my children would take the opportunity to have a go.  This might have ended up in a slanging match, but I never listened to them and, mostly, I couldn't remember what had been said anyway.

But, sometimes I'd wake up with that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something had happened.  I would check my mobile phone messages - who had I drunk texted?  What had I said?  I'd check Facebook - what status had I put on?  On whose status had I commented?  But worse of all, I would wonder - had there been a falling out with me and the girls or me and Mr W?  Sometimes, I would just know something had happened, but could I hell remember what.  I would then spend some time treading on eggshells.  Eventually I started to make notes on my phone if one of my girls had said something I  didn't like.  These notes were more often than not illegible.

At work, I would obsess over whether I smelled like stale booze (I most probably did).  Out would come the breath fresheners.  Out would come the anxiety.  Without fail, I'd promise to myself that I wouldn't drink that night.  A little later I'd promise that I wouldn't drink as much.  Then I would spend a lot of time thinking about how much I could drink and where could I get it from this time.  I'd already been to the corner shop two times in a row.  Should I try the one slightly out of town?  It was only a little detour and I hadn't been there for three days.

I also had a horrendous obsession with my husband's shift pattern for work.  This was all to do with how much alcohol I could drink... Nothing else.  If he was on an early shift, I'd have to plan more carefully.  I'd pray he would send me a text to say he'd gone back to bed for an hour or so.  I'd encourage him to have an early night.  On these nights I would have to slow my drinking down so that I wouldn't be completely out of it by 8pm.  I hated early shifts just like I hated his long weekends off.  They interrupted by drinking you see.  I would inwardly cheer when he was working a late shift. It was even better if I knew my children weren't home for the night (they are young adults now).  I could do what the fuck I liked.  It was not uncommon for me to be rat-arsed by about 7.30pm.  This is usually when the fall in the garden and whatnot happened.

So, you see, that's why I refer my problem with alcohol as my OBD.  My life revolved around it.  It was all I could think about.  Perhaps, if you are reading this, you might be nodding your head in agreement to some of these things?

But, do you know what?  Becoming sober has got to be one of the best things that I have ever done.

No longer do I have to worry about what stupid comment or status I put on Facebook (or who I accidentally Facetimed from my iPad).  No longer do I have to worry that I am still drunk from the night before or if I smell of stale booze.  My local corner shops have probably forgotten who I am (I hope so).  I still have a huge interest in my husband's work shifts, but for all of the right reasons:  Like if he has an early finish.... He can get the tea on the go!

I know that I am not out of the woods just yet and I have a long, long way to go.  I have to give myself credit for getting this far.  I can be sober.  I want to be sober.

My life truly began again 142 days ago.

If you happen to be reading this blog (thank you!) and haven't yet tried being sober, give it a whirl.  Re-start your life.