My dirty little secret

I've always felt slightly relieved to know that my 'dirty little secret' was just that:  mine.  The fact that I've had a drinking problem and my reasons for becoming sober are only known to my nearest and dearest and I have never really broadcasted that I am now AF to other family members, friends and acquaintances.  I've told my best friend that I've stopped drinking but I haven't been completely open and honest.  She doesn't know the depths that I sank to.

Last night, after work, I bumped into an old friend that I haven't seen for months.  I'll call her B.  We had the usual chat .... Kids are ok, life is fine, etc.  B suggested that we get together for a good catch up and a bottle or two of wine.  Great, I said.  A catch up would be good ... We could go to xxxx for something to eat and they do a great range of mocktails.  Mocktails?  She said.  So, I explained that I'd given up the wine.... Better for my health, better sleep, etc, etc.  I thought you'd piled on the weight, she said.... You did like a good drink didn't you?  Thank god I'm not like that!

EXCUSE ME?  I was speechless, humiliated, horrified and upset.  All in one.  I said well, I feel much better now for not drinking, but didn't tell her to eff-off.  How could I?  She was speaking the truth, no matter how harsh.  I made my excuses, told her I'd give her a call and said cheerio.

I got home and cried.  Luckily, no-one was home.  I felt so sorry for myself.  I felt almost like I'd been caught out - in the middle of swigging from a stashed bottle of booze. 

At about 9pm last night, B rang me.  Drunk (It is so strange to listen to someone who is drunk when you are sober - was I like that?).  She accused me of being 'holier than thou' about not drinking and who was I to suggest that she drank too much?  I was the alkie, not her.  She knew when to stop.  She remembers the time when I was at her house for a catch up and tea and drank a bottle and a half of wine (so did she and she had a couple of whiskeys).  Blah, blah, blah.  I apologised for upsetting her and said I'd speak to her today.

This morning I am mad with myself.  Why did I apologise to her?  I realise that she was drunk and had more than likely twisted everything out of proportion.  But still, I didn't say anything out of turn.  I suspect it was her own booze demon at play.  I do know that B likes her whiskey and likes her pills.  But I have always thought who am I to judge?  I get that, just like I think she may have a problem with the booze, she thinks exactly the same about me.  Although, I would never ever intentionally force my new found views onto anyone.

I had thought all along that my dirty little secret was just that.  I had thought that I had hidden my problem well.  Perhaps I didn't.  Perhaps it wasn't a secret after all.  It is humiliating to know that other people may have recognised my drink problem too.

Having had time to reflect this morning, I don't think I need people like that in my life at the minute.  That seems harsh, I know.  Perhaps B does need a bit of encouragement to cut down or stop drinking.  But, that's not my responsibility.  I'm so early on in my sobriety that I'm not strong enough for that.

I had an absolutely crap nights sleep mulling over all of this.  Re-running my conversations with B, I should have said this, I should have said that. 

What worried me more is after all of these days sober, the wine witch was tapping on my shoulder suggesting that I should try moderation.  No, no, no.  I can't.

I feel like I have taken a step back.  I had begun to think less and less about the booze.

I have to get around this, because I cannot go through life avoiding people who may be a 'trigger'.