A dilemma and a wobble

My youngest child, who is a young adult, is pretty good at cake making and decorating and she's in the middle of making a cake for someone.  She is making various decorations with fondant icing which require painting and the powder that she is using needs to be mixed with something that is alcohol based rather than water (don't ask me why... I don't have a clue).  

We were having a chat and she was explaining how she was doing things and mentioned she had obtained a bit of vodka (that was in a water bottle) from a friend so that she can mix the powder to paint the icing.  I was not phased, nor bothered by this and really didn't give it a second thought.

Then she left the house and I went into a cupboard to get tin foil out.... There, on the top shelf is the water bottle with an inch of vodka in it.  I could smell it as soon as I opened the cupboard.  I really, really wanted it.  The wine/vodka witch was straight there... Telling me I could have a sip, have a taste, I won't like it anyway..... No-one will know... Top it up with water... 

I think that this is the first time that I have really felt a really strong  craving for alcohol.  Before, I have yearned for a drink but I don't think I have really physically felt this bad before.  I am shocked that after all this time of being sober that I can still experience this.  I am really sad to realise that I still really have a problem being around alcohol.  Sure, I'm fine being around other people drinking.  I  have had a left over bottle of wine in my fridge before .... But insidious vodka in my home?  No.

I can't blame my daughter.  She won't have realised that it might have this effect on me.  It didn't enter any of our heads.  But should I ask her to be more thoughtful in future?  Do I want my family to know that they still might not be able to trust me?

I am pleased to report that after a bit of pacing around the house and a bit of hand wringing, I gave myself a mental smack across the face.  I have been sober for 42 weeks.  Dos I really want to give that up for a sip of poison?  I've managed to distract myself by putting some washing away and running myself a bath with lots of bubbles.... So, I'm enjoying a soak in the bath whilst looking at reviews for hotel we are staying at when we go on holiday (and blogging on here).  I wouldn't be doing this if I were not sober.  Luckily, Mr W will be home from work too!  Xx

Alcohol, health and anxiety

Back in 2015 I started to feel pretty unwell.  I was losing my appetite, I was losing weight, I wasn't sleeping well, I was lethargic to the point that I really had to force myself to even get ready in the morning to go to work.  Then, on the walk to the office I would feel like I was going to vomit, I felt hot, sweaty and shaky.  Often, I would have to stop and sit down for a minute or two.  Then, this feeling started to continue when I arrived at work and would have to exchange the usual pleasantries with my boss - I would have a hot flush and go bright red.  I wondered if I was beginning to have an early menopause and hoped these feelings and symptoms wouldn't last too long.

After a little while, I got worse.  My hot flushes, nausea and shakiness would happen again throughout the day - particularly when I was having to interact with other people.  It was almost like I was nervous.  I found that sometimes I couldn't speak properly, I couldn't remember how to say the words I was thinking and then couldn't even think of the word I was trying to say.  I couldn't write in front of other people or even sign my name, which was particularly difficult seeing as part of my job is to write and sign my name!  I would get that fight or flight feeling and I often would have to get up and leave the room on the pretense of getting a drink of water or going to the loo.

Everytime I had to interact with another person I felt like this.  I began to realise that I was suffering from anxiety.  During this time I was drinking and smoking heavily and deep down I knew that this was the cause of my anxiety.  The wine witch, however, told me that it was nothing to do with her.  She helped me deal with my feelings better.  She gave me courage!  I was convincing myself that I had something seriously wrong with me ... I had a serious illness like cancer, or I was going to have a heart attack.  I was convinced that one day, I just wouldn't wake up.  I would die in my sleep.  I continued to drink copious amounts of wine and vodka.  It never entered my mind to try and stop or at least not drink as much.  I actually think I drank more.

Then, these 'anxiety attacks' started to affect my personal life even more.  Meeting a family member in Costa for a coffee?  No chance.  Once, my older daughter took me out for lunch.  All I wanted to do was leave and I certainly couldn't eat the meal I'd ordered.

I plucked up the courage to go and see a Doctor.  Of course, I didn't tell her the extent of my problems and I certainly did not admit to drinking excessively.  When she asked me the usual health questions, I admitted to the odd glass of wine here and there.... 

The Doctor took some blood to test but agreed that I might be starting an early menopause.  The blood test would confirm this, but in the meantime I should start and think about if I wanted to begin taking HRT.  This was great news!  See!  I did have something wrong with me.  It wasn't the drinking at all!

After a couple of days, the Doctor rang.  My blood test had shown my hormone levels were normal, but the liver function test they had done had shown some abnormalities.  My insides threatened to dissolve and depart my body..... I had liver damage I was sure.  It turned out that I had a couple of vitamin deficiencies .... B12 and D.  I'm positive these were caused by my drinking.  My alcohol consumption was preventing my body from producing and processing the things that are meant to keep you healthy.

A course of vitamin D tablets and B12 injections made a massive difference to me ..... but I still kept on bloody drinking!  I still wasn't quite right.

But, I can honestly say that since becoming sober, I know longer suffer from anxiety to the extent that I did.  Sure, there's been a couple of times when I've started to feel it bubbling to the surface but now I can put it back in its box because I can deal with my feelings better.

Without a doubt (for me) quitting the booze has had a huge positive impact on my health and mental well-being.

I LOVE sober mornings!

This morning, I feel like the picture above - sun-shiny, bright, smiley - happy! 

I woke gently this morning to bird song and one of my favourite Madonna songs 'Live to Tell' playing on the alarm radio.  The sun is shining and it feels like summer is finally coming.

Today, we are forecast to have a high temperature of around 23c.  In my part of the UK this is positively a heatwave. 

I think for the reasons above, I feel almost like I am walking on air (I know, that seems a little far fetched - but I am in such a good mood this morning!)  and I have again realised yet another fantasic bonus of being sober:  Mornings like this. 

Before, I would have been awake since 3am.  I would have probably have given in and gotten up.  I would have felt like shite - headachey and sluggish.  I would have also looked like shite, but I would have been planning the drinking day ahead. 

This morning, I took a good look in the mirror with a smile on my face.  My eyes are bright, my skin is clear and has a healthy look to it and my hair looks like I've been dragged through a hedge - but healthy.

But, I know that I feel this good because I am sober. 

I feel 'normal'   ..... I am thinking about alcohol less and less which is a good thing.  I also had to work back to find out how many days I have been sober:  285 days!!

My thoughts on: Flavoured Gin

I was alway partial to a drink of sloe gin, but gin in its original format was about the only spirit that I never liked.  I didn't like the taste nor the smell.  Mind, having said that I didn't much like the taste of vodka ... Or whisky ... But I drank that.

I have noticed lately that Gin is the new wine.  My Facebook page has been littered recently with Gin memes:  it's gin o'clock, to gin or not to gin, etc.

What used to be nicknamed Mother's ruin is becoming more and more popular, particular with the ever increasing new releases of flavoured gin.  You can now buy all sorts of flavours; Parma violet, rhubarb and ginger, strawberry to name a few.

This worries me, in that manufacturers have obviously latched on to the idea that Gin is becoming more popular and are concocting these new flavours to be even more popular.  How attractive is a strong spirit that tastes like strawberry juice when mixed with a bit of tonic?  How refreshing?  It's ideas like this that probably would have drawn me in.  I have no doubt that I would have tried it and BAM!  I would have been hooked.  We all know that spirits like these are incredibly addictive.  Some of these gins have a 20% alcohol content.

I once bought a litre bottle of vodka, explaining to Mr W that it would be more economical than buying wine because it would last me much longer.  It appeared that I did, but then, I was topping it up with water and smaller bottles of vodka.  I actually drank more because (when not taking sneaky drinks of it neat) I was mixing it with coke or tonic.  After the first couple of sips, you can't taste the vodka.

I have always considered my sister to be a normal drinker.... Shes always gone out drinking a couple of times a month with friends and drunk cider or Malibu and coke.  Now though, she is really into drinking gin and I mean REALLY.  Her Facebook page is littered with gin memes, comments about which flavoured gin she's bought, photographs of a just poured large glass of gin, which 'gin palace' is opening locally.

Today though, when visiting her at lunchtime, she was showing me an opened bottle of pink gin she had bought herself.  Did I fancy a try of it?  Obviously I said "no thanks, I'm driving and I don't drink anymore... Remember?"  "Really?" She said - "I thought that you would've given in long before now."  (Gee, thanks for the support sis!).

The Sister then proceeded to state "it's Gin o'clock somewhere!  I'm having one" and poured what looked to be a pretty generous measure into one of those large gin glasses... The ones that look like you could fit half a bottle of wine into.... She chucked in a bit of ice and a bit of tonic and took a slurp.  It was 12.30.

I'm really hoping this was a one off, but my little alky senses are tingling.  They don't call Gin Mother's ruin for nothing.

I suspect that before long, instead of seeing articles about people worrying about their wine habit, we will see articles about people being worried about their gin consumption.