Tick! That was me.

Over the last few years, before becoming sober, I avidly read many blogs and books about women who are/have been alcohol dependent.   They all made me 'think' about being sober.  They all made me feel incredibly guilty.  Here's the almost funny part - I read them whilst drinking copious amounts of wine and vodka!  Most of what I read that had made me think and feel guilty was forgotten by the morning (although I would still begin with the mindset that I would not drink that day).

Now, at 207 days sober I am still an avid reader of these blogs and books.  However, this time, I remember what I'm reading.  In fact, I've been re-reading various blogs and books. 

For some bizarre reason I like to read about other people's problems with alcohol.  I do find them inspiring.  Sometime I think I'm just morbid or perhaps, underneath it all, it makes me feel slightly better about myself to know that (if I search hard enough) I will find someone who was worse than me.  That's not really a nice way to think is it? 

The Living Sober site (It's a New Zealand website) does a series of Sober Stories.  Most of the participants have been sober for a long, long time.  Some of the stories have made me say "Wow", but mostly I've been thinking 'Yip, that was me' and 'I used to do that'.  Lots of the stories there are really encouraging to me.... people have been sober for years!

There's a book called 'Best Kept Secret' written by Amy Hatvany.  I've read it for a third time and have realised, the previous two times when I have read it, I have missed or forgotten huge chunks of it.  Cadence starts out as a 'normal' drinker.  Things start to go wrong in her life and before she knows it, she's practically drinking wine for breakfast.   This book really made me realise how bloody lucky I have been.  I could have lost it all.... would have lost it all had I continued to drink ...... and strongly suspect I will lose it all if I ever touch another drop of alcohol.

I also found a blog written by a husband about his alcoholic wife.  It's written over a period of a few years.  It was an interesting but very difficult read and I did get the feeling that the husband and his children had really begun to hate the wife, which is not surprising but I did find it a bit uncomfortable - but that was probably because this blog really cut to the bone (it being the husband's side of things).  Here are some random extracts of the blog that really that really stood out for me:  

"The first thing to go when she drinks is her ability to speak.  The brain disconnects and it’s very difficult to have a conversation.  She repeats things, says very strange things, and has difficulty phrasing words."  This was me to a 'T'.  My husband would often say "You've already told me that" or "What did you say?".  This is all very embarrassing now and makes me cringe - but at the time you do think you are acting normally, while being totally rat-arsed.  

"It would be nice if it lasted a day or two more."  The subject wife in this blog would occasionally realise that she'd gone too far and would go for a day or two without drinking.  My husband often would say things like "Wait till I get home before you open the wine", "take it easy" and "have your tea first".  Of course, I did ...... not.  I would also often have a blackout.  In the morning, I'd know that something had happened - but wouldn't have a clue what.  I'd swear that I was going to quit drinking ..... for a day or two.  I'm certain my husband also thought the same as this blogger.

"It has always amazed me the way she can get alcohol so easily and often."  Oh, us alcoholics have our ways and means don't we?  Changing the shops we buy the booze from to prevent us getting that 'image of being an alkie' or just nipping to the corner shop for some cling film.   I also used to worry myself stupid over our finances and hated having to look at the bank statement.  I used to worry that I couldn't afford this, that and the other.  But, I always had enough money to buy booze.   Your finances tend to improve greatly when you're not spending roughly £60 - 70.00 a week on booze!  

"I took her purse with me and in the bathroom I opened it to find a pint of vodka.  She didn’t even hide it in a water bottle.  It was almost empty and I threw it away."  This one really makes me cringe with shame.  I knew all the hiding places;  in your handbag?  Tick - no-one goes into your handbag, right?  Beneath your knickers in your underwear drawer?  Underneath the bed?  In the coat pocket of that coat you don't wear anymore?  The list is endless.  I was creative about my hiding places if nothing else.  Unfortunately, you also have to remember where these hiding places are.  Just after Christmas I was cleaning out some of my bedroom drawers where I keep my lotions and potions to accommodate all of my new gifts.  I came across an empty mini bottle of wine that I had hidden - in a box containing heated hair curlers.  I mean - really?  

I also watched a documentary called 'There's something wrong with Aunt Diane' as well as reading lots and lots of articles about Diane Schuler (the subject of the documentary).  This story is horrific.  Diane was a high-flyer, earning mega bucks who had it all.  After a weekend camping she ended up driving down the wrong side of the Taconic State Parkway for over 1.5 miles before hitting another vehicle head-on.  She killed herself and seven other people - four of them children (3 of her nieces and her own daughter).  She also seriously injured her surviving son.  It turns out that she was drunk and high.  At the time of her death she still had the equivalent of 10 shots of vodka in her stomach.  

Apparently - no-one knew she was a functioning alcoholic.  Not even her husband (I do think he must have had some inkling).  She hid it very, very well.

The point of the title of the documentary 'There's something wrong with Aunt Diane' is that before the accident, one of her nieces had rung her father to say something was wrong.  Allegedly, Diane was told to stay where she was - someone would come and get them.  She didn't.  Whilst no-one will ever know what happened, I can't help but think that perhaps she knew she'd been rumbled for being drunk while driving.  She knew she was in massive trouble and thought "sod it, let's end it".    

The documentary made me think of all the times I drove when I shouldn't have and was probably still impaired.  The times I drove to work in the morning and wondered how I'd gotten there.  It reminded me of how secretive I became to ensure that nobody knew the extent of my drinking problem.  If I had died because of an issue with drinking alcohol, how many people would have been amazed that I had a problem?

Anyhow.  I can now say "Tick!  That was me."