I hit my rock bottom

Since January I've managed the odd day without the wine.  It never lasted though.  I stopped smoking completely in the first week of February and have put on almost two stone in weight.  I didn't mind this too much - I needed the additional weight.  People were starting to comment on how thin and gaunt I was looking.  I'm really pleased I managed to quit smoking so easily - I look and feel much healthier for it AND I've been able to book and pay for a holiday abroad with Mr W for the first time in almost five years.

Anyway, the wine witch would whisper in my ear "You've stopped smoking, you don't go out, you don't treat yourself .... go on!".  My willpower is zilch.  I can't just stop at one glass.  I cannot 'moderate'.  I almost always drink the whole bottle.

During the last few months, Mr W has been giving me 'the look' when I've poured myself a glass of wine.  It's not a pleasant look - it's between annoyance and pity.  He's also been making the odd little comment here and there.  "Take it easy", "Have your tea first", etc.  What did I do?  Well, I sure as hell didn't cut down.  I began to buy extra alcohol secretly and 'stash' it when I could.  I figured that I could get the same feeling (of being utterly pissed and useless) but it would appear that I had not drunk a lot.  It was fairly easy to do - particularly so when Mr W Was doing middle or later shifts.  I'd buy a couple of mini bottles of red wine and pour them into a water bottle, hide the water bottle in my bag and chuck the empty bottles.  At home, I'd hide the bottle and, throughout the evening take a glug.  It was great (I thought)..... I was still drunk but, to my husband and children, it appeared as though I'd only had half a bottle.  I'm certain, they all wondered why I was still almost comatose by 8pm.

I think my body may have gotten used to this because, before long, those two mini bottles did nothing.  Unfortunately, I moved onto buying one of those quarter bottles of vodka.  That did the trick and a quarter bottle lasted me two nights ... of course bearing in mind I'm still drinking the wine.

Last Thursday, I had a particularly shitty day at work (absolutely no excuse) and I was feeling lousy.  As usual, I finished work, went shopping for essentials and a bottle of wine and called into the corner shop for a quarter bottle of vodka.  Elder child was out all night, younger child would be back later and the hubby didn't finish work till nearly 10pm.  I was set up for the night.  As it happens, this night I did only have half a bottle of wine.  However, I did drink the whole quarter bottle of vodka throughout the night.  Neat.  By 8.30pm I was well and truly pissed and I knew it so I took myself off to bed ........

The next morning Mr W asked me if I was ok.  I said I was even though I felt like crap.  You don't remember do you?  He said.  My heart sank.  I don't remember anything I admitted.  You were so hammered last night he said .... you had a blackout .... well you would drinking wine and vodka.  You pissed yourself on the landing, then when you went staggering back to bed you fell over and smacked yourself off the wall.  We (him and younger child) had to pick you up and change you.  I sat back on our bed and said oh.... I honestly did not know how to react.  I'd been caught out, what the fuck have I done.  I felt mortified, embarrassed, ashamed and deeply sorry.

A little later, I checked my mobile.  I had four disconnected facetime calls to my mother.  I had one incoming facetime call FROM my mother which lasted for 22 minutes.  I have no idea what was said.  I felt even worse.

This 'blackout' isn't the first.  I want to make sure it is the last.

Friday was horrendous.  I can't really at this point describe how I felt.  Although at a later date I will try.  I did have a drink on Friday night - I'd arranged to go to a close friends house for a catch up.  She'd recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and had had a recent operation.  We were celebrating the fact that other than the op and some radiotherapy, the cancer had been caught quickly and there was no need for chemo.  I did feel I moderated very well.  I had two and a half glasses.

Today is Tuesday and I am on day four of being sober.  I feel great and I feel as though, so far, it hasn't been too difficult.

Mr W has said nothing further about Thursday's episode yet - for which I am grateful.  We haven't discussed the fact I haven't touched alcohol since Friday night, but I know he has noticed.  He has said I look radiant.  I feel it.

We are off on our holiday tomorrow.  I fully intend to enjoy it without the alcohol.

If I struggle, all I have to do is to remember Thursday and remember the shame of pissing myself and not knowing what the hell I was doing .... and what the consequences could have been.

May be, when I'm ready, I may make this blog public.  I know there are people just like me out there .... thinking that they are fully functional people who 'enjoy a glass or three of wine'.  I'm not, I've only fooled myself.