I don't count how many days I have sober now (that is a big step in itself I hope). I remember the date of my last drink with great clarity. What I don’t remember is what I did the previous night. My nightly blackout this particular night was so much of a blackout that I can only rely on what my husband told me. My FaceTime records show I held a 20 minute conversation with my mother - none of which I remember.
That’s in the past now though and I am learning slowly to let that guilt go. Feeling guilty doesn’t change anything, but it does come in useful sometimes. When I do have the odd pang for booze, I need only think about that night. The guilt flicks that wine bitch straight off my shoulder.
I have come such a long way since 7July 2017... almost one and a half years ago.
Physically, I am healthier, my eyes are bright, my skin is good, my hair is bouncier. I sleep and eat better.
Mentally, I am financially much better off, so I don't worry any longer about money (I could always afford to buy a bottle of wine though!), I don't think about alcohol much at all and all of the stuff that comes with that. I am in control of my life, not alcohol.
I have had a heavy couple of months: both my children have flown the nest and my home is so empty and quiet.... and tidy. I got a promotion at work which is great... I have more responsibility and authority but this has not gone down well with some of my colleagues, so there has been a bit of back stabbing.
I have also had the make the difficult decision of cutting my sister out of my life. I could write a blog just about her and her toxicity. In a nutshell, she has caused so much shit in our lives, I said ‘enough’ (actually, I said a lot more than this), deleted and blocked her from my social media and blocked her mobile number. Life has been much calmer since. I can’t see the snide crap she posts about me on Facebook, so it doesn’t bother me.
I am thankful that I am sober and strong with it. I’ve been able to deal with my emotions - sadness, loneliness and anger - much better, because I am sober. I know that if I was still drinking, everything that has happened in the last couple of months would have been an excuse to drink even more. My problems would have been ten-fold.