Sober Emotions

I don't count how many days I have sober now (that is a big step in itself I hope).  I remember the date of my last drink with great clarity.  What I don’t remember is what I did the previous night.  My nightly blackout this particular night was so much of a blackout that I can only rely on what my husband told me.   My FaceTime records show I held a 20 minute conversation with my mother - none of which I remember.

That’s in the past now though and I am learning slowly to let that guilt go.  Feeling guilty doesn’t change anything, but it does come in useful sometimes.  When I do have the odd pang for booze, I need only think about that night.  The guilt flicks that wine bitch straight off my shoulder.

I have come such a long way since 7July 2017... almost one and a half years ago.

Physically, I am healthier, my eyes are bright, my skin is good, my hair is bouncier.  I sleep and eat better.

Mentally, I am financially much better off, so I don't worry any longer about money (I could always afford to buy a bottle of wine though!), I don't think about alcohol much at all and all of the stuff that comes with that.  I am in control of my life, not alcohol.

I have had a heavy couple of months:  both my children have flown the nest and my home is so empty and quiet.... and tidy.  I got a promotion at work which is great... I have more responsibility and authority but this has not gone down well with some of my colleagues, so there has been a bit of back stabbing.

I have also had the make the difficult decision of cutting my sister out of my life.  I could write a blog just about her and her toxicity.  In a nutshell, she has caused so much shit in our lives, I said ‘enough’ (actually, I said a lot more than this), deleted and blocked her from my social media and blocked her mobile number.  Life has been much calmer since.  I can’t see the snide crap she posts about me on Facebook, so it doesn’t bother me.

I am thankful that I am sober and strong with it.  I’ve been able to deal with my emotions - sadness, loneliness and anger - much better, because I am sober.  I know that if I was still drinking, everything that has happened in the last couple of months would have been an excuse to drink even more.  My problems would have been ten-fold.