Wine Memes

I found this 'meme' on my Facebook Memory Timeline thingy earlier and thought I'd share it:

I shared this photo to my timeline exactly two years ago.  At the time, I'm sure I found it humorous.  Seeing it this morning made me cringe a bit because it was so true and accurate - I did love my wine more than anything else in the world.  Wine trumped everything.  Only now can I see that.

Needless to say, I have not shared this 'memory' on my timeline.

Now, things could not be more different.  When I say "I love you" to my husband it is him only that I am talking to (and the tub of icecream).

XX

The Harm That Alcohol Does

For a while, before I quit drinking, I experienced spasm like pains frequently - although usually in the morning.  I would get these pains in my chest area but mainly to the right hand side of my abdomen. I knew it was my Liver suffering from the amount of alcohol it was having to process and quite often I would scare myself stupid that I was either going to have a heart attack or my Liver was about to explode.

By all accounts, the Liver can repair itself if it's not too badly damaged and if you look after it..... Like, not drink alcohol.  According to our NHS website, every time you drink alcohol, you kill a few of your liver's cells.  Even if you binge drink, if you stay off the booze for a fortnight, your liver can go back to normal.  Now, in my opinion, (being an ex lush) that's a pretty moronic piece of advice.  Someone with a problem with alcohol may think.... I'll give it a rest for two weeks, then I'll be fine..... See, I don't have a problem with the booze!

Having said that, when I became sober, my pains vanished almost instaneously.  I have also been reassured from blood tests that my Liver function is normal -so, if there was any damage, my Liver has repaired itself.  Phew!

Now, to get seriously serious:  I have really pondered whether to write and publish the following.  It won't be pretty reading and will be graphic.  But, if I ever have doubts again about my sobriety, or if that wine witch comes calling, I will re-read this post over and over and if one other person that reads this post thinks twice about touching another drop then reliving today's events and writing them down will be worth it.

I haven't seen my best childhood friend properly for almost three months.  We've texted sporadically and bumped into each other ice or twice when out shopping, but that's it.  I had kind of given up because I thought she didn't want to bother with me much because I don't drink anymore.  

Anyway, on Saturday night I received a text from her.  Would I mind picking her up from home (her car is in the garage) on Sunday morning and we'd go for a walk along the beach and have a coffee... She had something she wanted to speak to me about.

Her husband, who has been a heavy drinker for as long as I've known him ... About 15 years ... Has advanced liver disease.  It is because of alcohol misuse.  His liver will not regenerate, it's beyound that stage.  He is 51.

Previously, during a catch-up, we had discussed his drinking.  She was worried about his health and he was suffering so much from anxiety problems that he had to give up working.  The last time I saw him, I had noticed that the white of his eyes had a yellow tinge to them.  My friend had also noticed this, but her husband brushed her concerns off.

She told me that she had forced him into going to the doctors, who immediately sent him to hospital.  After various tests, that is the outcome.  His Liver is fucked.  He has had to stop drinking alcohol.  He had to have medication to help with the withdrawal symptoms.  He has to have medication to help keep his liver as stable as possible, he has lost over 40 lbs in weight, he physically can't do very much anymore without getting tired quickly and he has to have his abdomen drained of fluid every two weeks.  He has also had various urgent trips to the hospital by ambulance because of internal bleeding.

When I dropped her off at home, her young daughter, who is 12, ran out of the house to us panic stricken..... Dad was lying on the bathroom floor with blood every where.

Obviously we both ran upstairs to see to him.  I can only describe it as stepping into a blood bath.  He  was vomiting blood, although, at first I thought he'd cut his own throat.  The toilet and the floor was awash with it.  He had also lost control of his bowel and bladder.  There he was lying there barely conscious.  My second thought was "that's not him, that's some with stage 4 cancer who is about to die.  He was always big built... Not anymore.  He is this peculiar shade of light mustard yellow.  

It was horrific, everyone was panicking, the kids were crying and hysteric... Somehow, I found myself ringing for an ambulance, which seemed to take an eternity to arrive.  It didn't of course.  Whilst I was doing this, my friend took the kids out of the way.  After hanging the phone up, my eyes rested upon a half empty Evian water bottle almost hidden behind the toilet.  I picked it up and smelled it.... Vodka.

I will not forget her face when I gave it to her and told her what it was.  It was a look of many emotions.  I will not forget today ever.  These images will always be etched in my memory.  I feel sad for them, particularly for my friend and their children.  What must they be going through?  I am beginning to feel a burning anger too... At him.  He knew the risks, knows what the consequences are and he still choose to drink alcohol.

When the paramedics arrived, my friend explained the problem.  They asked him if he had had any alcohol.  He mumbled "no"!  I did what I know is the right thing.  I told them he probably had and showed them the water bottle.

I spoke to my friend earlier, her husband is still very poorly but he is 'stable' .  She said the doctors have said it is 60/40 as to whether he pulls around.

Today has been a real eye opener.  This could easily have been me... Or you.

Sober Socialising

Firstly, I just want to write that, as of today (19 May 2018) I have been sober for 315 days!!!  In a few weeks, I will have been sober for a whole year.  I am immensely proud of myself.  The longest ever period of being sober previously was three weeks.

Last week I took a weeks holiday from work for a bit of R & R.  It's the first time that I would completely be 'on my own' for a significant length of time during the day.  Mr W was working pretty long shifts every day and the girls are both working.In my previous life, I would have obsessed about how much I could drink.  The week would have been completely wasted.  I would have, at the first opportunity, gone to the supermarket to buy my booze stash - two bottles of wine or one bottle of wine and a quarter or half bottle of vodka.  Either a bottle of wine or most of the vodka would have been drunk when I got home .... whilst 'doing some housework'.  I always rationalised with myself that I was on holiday .... so I could drink.  In reality I was slipping down that slippery slope to alcoholism.  I think I was more than halfway there.

I would then be so pissed that I would have to go to bed to sleep it off.  I would then 'wake' up - hungover, feeling like shit and, often, still drunk - rush around doing the housework I should have done earlier, etc, etc.  I'm sure many of you out there know the drill.

Anyway, this time, I admit that I did feel a little anxious:  Would I be bored and then be tempted?  I planned ahead.  I booked appointments to give myself some 'me' time - I had my hair done, my nails done and (for the first time ever) my eyebrows waxed and tinted (christ, that stung).  I made a note of all the things I wanted to achieve (mostly a good spring clean) and put little sticky notes everywhere with 'clean/tidy me' written on them.  When the task was done, the sticky note was put in a pile and the job was marked off the list.  There's a great sense of satisfaction in seeing everything on your list crossed off and a pile of sticky notes showing things that have been done.

The other thing that I did whilst on holiday was socialise sober four times!  I attended two bbq's (one a friends birthday and one a impromptu family one) and two organised meals at restaurants (one a work retirement party and the other a family birthday celebration).  I managed all of them pretty fine and enjoyed them all.  I also amused myself by seeing how sloppy and slurry people get when they are drunk.

I found the bbq's much easier to handle - you can wander around chatting to people with a plate of food in your hand rather than a glass of something.  It's an environment where you can help yourself to whatever.

The restaurant trips were slightly more difficult - particularly the work do:  You're stuck in one place - confined almost - and surrounded by people drinking wine, vodka and tonic and gin ....  Initially, I got the "Haw haw!  Still off the booze?" from my boss.  I did have a little snap at another work colleague:  The conversation had turned to flavoured gins and I was asked for my opinion and which ones had I tried.  I said I've never liked gin (I don't like the smell) and I don't drink alcohol anyway.  "Oh!  How boring!" she said "I think anyone who doesn't drink is boring."  I replied "Well, I think drunk people are sloppy - but each to their own!"  There was a deathly silence for a couple of seconds before I said that my sister liked flavoured gins and the Parma Violet was her current favourite.  I'm not particularly proud of being snappy.  I was being wound up and I bit.  However, I refuse being called boring because I don't drink alcohol.

The family birthday celebration was much easier and, after the palaver over my mothers birthday, I played no part in organising this one (my step-fathers).  Mr W was sat next to me and he doesn't drink now either.  My girls were opposite and did have a cocktail each.  My sister was sat next to me and after four gins asked me about three times why I was drinking coke instead of wine.  Eventually, I was a little short with her and said "Because, I don't want to bloody drink wine!".  "Ooh!  Alright!"  she replied.  What I took away from that conversation is that pink gin and lemonade breath stinks!

At the end of the night, it was much easier to add up our proportion of the bill.  Unsurprisingly, it was my sister who tried to dodge paying her share.  But, I was sober so kept out of that little squabble.

So, my lesson to myself last week is that I don't have to have no social life because I'm sober.  I can do it.  It isn't too difficult for me, it isn't a trigger.  Yes, I am finding that drunk people irritate the hell out of me... But I can handle it.  I can always leave early if I want, right?