Looking back with rose tinted glasses

For the last week or so, I've been thinking a lot about my drinking habit. 

Previously, when I've thought about my drinking, I've practically beat myself up about the bad parts of it .... the blackouts, etc.  This time around, the memories that have popped into my head have been 'the good times' .... that is, the edited 'good times'.  The glass of wine while catching up with an old friend, the glass of wine during a romantic meal out with Mr W. 

These memories have made me feel wistful.  If only I was a normal drinker - I could enjoy the odd glass of wine.  These feelings aren't exactly cravings.  It's very hard to explain - they are just 'feelings', but they also make me think could I moderate?  Could I?

Deep, deep down, I know I'm viewing my past through rose tinted glasses.  Those lovely romantic thoughts of that lovely glass of chilled white wine whilst catching up with a friend are bullshit.  I know they are.  I won't stop at just one.  I didn't last time.  The thing is, I don't want to think about the bad stuff anymore.  I'm fed up of beating myself up.  How long should I self flagellate?

It's mainly the thought of letting my husband and my girls down that really, really help me to continue with my sobriety.  That, and the fact that I feel so much better about myself and I feel so 'alive' (well, mostly).

My quality of sleep also seems to be improving at long last.  I bought a new bed and mattress and that seems to have helped enormously.  I used my wine fund to buy the new bed. 

Knowing that I have 'saved' a shitload of money by not buying booze is a great motivator.

Thus, I have used this reason to motivate myself even more not to drink ever again:

Last Saturday, I have been sober for 259 days.  Working on the average that I spent around £10.00 per day on booze (sometimes this would be less or more), I worked out that I would have spent at least £2,590.00 on something that was killing me.

My finances are so much better now that I'm not wasting all that money on booze (or cigarettes for that matter - and my smoking habit was pretty much 20 a day... sometimes more).

So, after doing my sums, and in order to help me continue being sober, I went and got finance to purchase a brand new car at the weekend.

Had I still been drinking (and smoking) there wouldn't have been a cat's chance in hell that I could afford the repayments.

Obviously I wouldn't recommend that you just go up and buy something really expensive on credit, but for me I feel that doing it has given me a big reward for being sober and is a massive motivator to remain sober.