As of today I have been sober for 38 weeks... That's 266 days, or almost 9 months!
I have, on occasion, wondered if I would ever be able to moderate or become a 'normal' drinker of alcohol. You know, just have the one small glass of wine on a special occasion. Enjoy a cocktail or two on holiday..... But, then I think how mentally exhausting I would find that. I don't think my brain is wired up to be a normal drinker.... Is there even such a thing?
Being 'normal' means that you don't even think about drinking and, to my mind, if you are even thinking out loud that you are 'normal' then you are not.
I most definitely could not moderate. The endless thinking about drinking/not drinking, the judging of myself. Just having one? Absolutely not me - it would drive me bonkers.
This is why I must remain sober forever more. Being sober is so much more fulfilling than being an alcohol soaked wreck of a woman.
Mr W was a a 'normal' drinker. He could have just the one, or more often than not - none. When I quit drinking, he did too. I didn't ask him and it was never discussed. He just didn't drink anymore. To be honest, I'm pleased he did because I think I've coped better.
What I have noticed is that The Husband cannot stand anyone drinking alcohol anymore. If someone mentions having a drink of booze or brags on Facebook about having a great night out on the lash he can actually be quite derisory about it. You can almost see him turning his nose up. I feel quite sad and guilty about his feelings towards alcohol. I'm sure he has them because of me.
I have noticed that, as time goes on, I am also beginning to feel really negative about people drinking. It's not that I dislike or hate the fact that people drink the stuff - it's more that I don't see the point in drinking alcohol. I drank it purely to get drunk, so that I would sleep/pass out, so I can't fathom yet why people drink it to have a good time or to relax. I am really beginning to see alcohol for what it truly is: a toxin, a drug, a poison.
I'm wondering if it's normal to be feeling like this? I really don't want to be dead set against alcohol - or pious about it.... But it's very hard not to be when you know the damage it can do, when you have been the one causing the damage because you can't control your drinking.
Saturday, 31 March 2018
Monday, 26 March 2018
Looking back with rose tinted glasses
For the last week or so, I've been thinking a lot about my drinking habit.
Previously, when I've thought about my drinking, I've practically beat myself up about the bad parts of it .... the blackouts, etc. This time around, the memories that have popped into my head have been 'the good times' .... that is, the edited 'good times'. The glass of wine while catching up with an old friend, the glass of wine during a romantic meal out with Mr W.
These memories have made me feel wistful. If only I was a normal drinker - I could enjoy the odd glass of wine. These feelings aren't exactly cravings. It's very hard to explain - they are just 'feelings', but they also make me think could I moderate? Could I?
Deep, deep down, I know I'm viewing my past through rose tinted glasses. Those lovely romantic thoughts of that lovely glass of chilled white wine whilst catching up with a friend are bullshit. I know they are. I won't stop at just one. I didn't last time. The thing is, I don't want to think about the bad stuff anymore. I'm fed up of beating myself up. How long should I self flagellate?
It's mainly the thought of letting my husband and my girls down that really, really help me to continue with my sobriety. That, and the fact that I feel so much better about myself and I feel so 'alive' (well, mostly).
My quality of sleep also seems to be improving at long last. I bought a new bed and mattress and that seems to have helped enormously. I used my wine fund to buy the new bed.
Knowing that I have 'saved' a shitload of money by not buying booze is a great motivator.
Thus, I have used this reason to motivate myself even more not to drink ever again:
Last Saturday, I have been sober for 259 days. Working on the average that I spent around £10.00 per day on booze (sometimes this would be less or more), I worked out that I would have spent at least £2,590.00 on something that was killing me.
My finances are so much better now that I'm not wasting all that money on booze (or cigarettes for that matter - and my smoking habit was pretty much 20 a day... sometimes more).
So, after doing my sums, and in order to help me continue being sober, I went and got finance to purchase a brand new car at the weekend.
Had I still been drinking (and smoking) there wouldn't have been a cat's chance in hell that I could afford the repayments.
Obviously I wouldn't recommend that you just go up and buy something really expensive on credit, but for me I feel that doing it has given me a big reward for being sober and is a massive motivator to remain sober.
Previously, when I've thought about my drinking, I've practically beat myself up about the bad parts of it .... the blackouts, etc. This time around, the memories that have popped into my head have been 'the good times' .... that is, the edited 'good times'. The glass of wine while catching up with an old friend, the glass of wine during a romantic meal out with Mr W.
These memories have made me feel wistful. If only I was a normal drinker - I could enjoy the odd glass of wine. These feelings aren't exactly cravings. It's very hard to explain - they are just 'feelings', but they also make me think could I moderate? Could I?
Deep, deep down, I know I'm viewing my past through rose tinted glasses. Those lovely romantic thoughts of that lovely glass of chilled white wine whilst catching up with a friend are bullshit. I know they are. I won't stop at just one. I didn't last time. The thing is, I don't want to think about the bad stuff anymore. I'm fed up of beating myself up. How long should I self flagellate?
It's mainly the thought of letting my husband and my girls down that really, really help me to continue with my sobriety. That, and the fact that I feel so much better about myself and I feel so 'alive' (well, mostly).
My quality of sleep also seems to be improving at long last. I bought a new bed and mattress and that seems to have helped enormously. I used my wine fund to buy the new bed.
Knowing that I have 'saved' a shitload of money by not buying booze is a great motivator.
Thus, I have used this reason to motivate myself even more not to drink ever again:
Last Saturday, I have been sober for 259 days. Working on the average that I spent around £10.00 per day on booze (sometimes this would be less or more), I worked out that I would have spent at least £2,590.00 on something that was killing me.
My finances are so much better now that I'm not wasting all that money on booze (or cigarettes for that matter - and my smoking habit was pretty much 20 a day... sometimes more).
So, after doing my sums, and in order to help me continue being sober, I went and got finance to purchase a brand new car at the weekend.
Had I still been drinking (and smoking) there wouldn't have been a cat's chance in hell that I could afford the repayments.
Obviously I wouldn't recommend that you just go up and buy something really expensive on credit, but for me I feel that doing it has given me a big reward for being sober and is a massive motivator to remain sober.
Sunday, 11 March 2018
35 weeks and 1 day sober
I am now 35 weeks and 1 day / 8 months sober. When you write it down it doesn't seem like much does it? It feels like an age though.
I like 246 days though. It looks like more of an accomplishment, so therefore it feels like one.
I feel almost normal. I don't think too much about alcohol anymore, but when I do it feels like I've been smacked across the back of my head.
Take yesterday, when clearing out kitchen cupboards I came across a bottle of fizz that has been there for some time. At first, I thought nothing of it except that it must belong to one of the girls. A little while later, I began to reason to myself that I could drink it and no-one would know. Everyone was out, the girls wouldn't be home, the Husband was working a late shift, I didn't have to go out. I could drink it all and go sleep it off.
Obviously, I didn't. I "played it forward", I made myself realise that I would put myself right back to square one.
I am still a work in progress and suspect I will be for sometime.
This morning I feel more up beat. It's Mothering Sunday and my girls have promised to cook our dinner (I'm hoping they'll clear up after themselves too).
Compared to this time last year I am a zillion times better. This time last year I was a complete mess: Funny thing is, I didn't have a blackout. I remember it all very well... Too well.
It was my mother's birthday; a special milestone one. As usual, it was left to me to organise something special. Mother doesn't like parties and didn't want anything too extravagant so I organised a family meal in a nice restaurant. I had agreed with my siblings that we would split the cost of my mother and fathers meal between us.
By this time, I was in a pretty bad place. I was drinking during the day, over the weekend, when I could - when my husband was working mid or late shifts.. I would be up and about early, go shopping and buy two bottles of wine. One for the day and one for night. I'd drink most if not all of one bottle and then go to bed for a few hours to sleep it off.
On this particular day (of the family meal) even though I swore I wouldn't, I drank during the day and then went to bed for a bit. I then got up in plenty of time to get ready for the meal. I didn't feel right (I was still pissed). I had a glass of wine while I got ready.
Anyway, the family meal was a bit of a shambles, the service was crap, my father drank like a fish because he knew he wasn't paying for it. My sister made out as though she was the one who had organised everything. At the end of the night, I was the one charged with working out what everyone owed. I am not mathematically challenged, but I'd had a lot to drink throughout the day and I knew I was borderline rat-arsed. Most just gave me a rounded amount. Taking into account that myself and my two other siblings were sharing the cost of our parents, I knew my brother had given me too much and had mentioned that I would sort it all out properly in the morning.
The following morning, I received a pretty sarcastic text from my sister. She had worked everything out and my brother had paid me too much. I needed to give him back £20.00. The text annoyed me. How dare she! She had done nothing to help with the arrangements and hadn't helped with the workings out the night before. I worked out the figures myself. If I gave my brother back some money, and taking into account what food had been ordered and what had been drunk by my siblings and their dependents, I had paid £60.00 towards my parents meal. My brother had paid £10.00. My sister paid £1.00. Yes, that's right! £1.00!
Unfortunately, I stewed for a while following the text, I drank and I did not handle the situation well. I texted back eventually to say that she should have been the designated calculater for the night, I knew my brother had paid too much... And in actual fact, she had paid just £1.00 towards the cost of my parents meal. So, perhaps she could stump up a bit more cash instead of being all high and mighty.
The situation escalated. My sister got my brother and mother involved. I drank. I fell out with them all and I drank a bit more. Then, I cried.
I had to call in sick to work the next day because I felt so poorly and hungover.
I do think that if I had been sober I may very well have still responded in the same way. I do think I was justified, but I think I would have handled whatever happened after much better.
That episode was just one in a long list of my drunken escapades, but this one didn't make me stop
drinking. It took me another four months.
By comparison, this year I am going to spend the day chilling. I may not even change out of my pyjamas!
Happy Sunday!! X
I like 246 days though. It looks like more of an accomplishment, so therefore it feels like one.
I feel almost normal. I don't think too much about alcohol anymore, but when I do it feels like I've been smacked across the back of my head.
Take yesterday, when clearing out kitchen cupboards I came across a bottle of fizz that has been there for some time. At first, I thought nothing of it except that it must belong to one of the girls. A little while later, I began to reason to myself that I could drink it and no-one would know. Everyone was out, the girls wouldn't be home, the Husband was working a late shift, I didn't have to go out. I could drink it all and go sleep it off.
Obviously, I didn't. I "played it forward", I made myself realise that I would put myself right back to square one.
I am still a work in progress and suspect I will be for sometime.
This morning I feel more up beat. It's Mothering Sunday and my girls have promised to cook our dinner (I'm hoping they'll clear up after themselves too).
Compared to this time last year I am a zillion times better. This time last year I was a complete mess: Funny thing is, I didn't have a blackout. I remember it all very well... Too well.
It was my mother's birthday; a special milestone one. As usual, it was left to me to organise something special. Mother doesn't like parties and didn't want anything too extravagant so I organised a family meal in a nice restaurant. I had agreed with my siblings that we would split the cost of my mother and fathers meal between us.
By this time, I was in a pretty bad place. I was drinking during the day, over the weekend, when I could - when my husband was working mid or late shifts.. I would be up and about early, go shopping and buy two bottles of wine. One for the day and one for night. I'd drink most if not all of one bottle and then go to bed for a few hours to sleep it off.
On this particular day (of the family meal) even though I swore I wouldn't, I drank during the day and then went to bed for a bit. I then got up in plenty of time to get ready for the meal. I didn't feel right (I was still pissed). I had a glass of wine while I got ready.
Anyway, the family meal was a bit of a shambles, the service was crap, my father drank like a fish because he knew he wasn't paying for it. My sister made out as though she was the one who had organised everything. At the end of the night, I was the one charged with working out what everyone owed. I am not mathematically challenged, but I'd had a lot to drink throughout the day and I knew I was borderline rat-arsed. Most just gave me a rounded amount. Taking into account that myself and my two other siblings were sharing the cost of our parents, I knew my brother had given me too much and had mentioned that I would sort it all out properly in the morning.
The following morning, I received a pretty sarcastic text from my sister. She had worked everything out and my brother had paid me too much. I needed to give him back £20.00. The text annoyed me. How dare she! She had done nothing to help with the arrangements and hadn't helped with the workings out the night before. I worked out the figures myself. If I gave my brother back some money, and taking into account what food had been ordered and what had been drunk by my siblings and their dependents, I had paid £60.00 towards my parents meal. My brother had paid £10.00. My sister paid £1.00. Yes, that's right! £1.00!
Unfortunately, I stewed for a while following the text, I drank and I did not handle the situation well. I texted back eventually to say that she should have been the designated calculater for the night, I knew my brother had paid too much... And in actual fact, she had paid just £1.00 towards the cost of my parents meal. So, perhaps she could stump up a bit more cash instead of being all high and mighty.
The situation escalated. My sister got my brother and mother involved. I drank. I fell out with them all and I drank a bit more. Then, I cried.
I had to call in sick to work the next day because I felt so poorly and hungover.
I do think that if I had been sober I may very well have still responded in the same way. I do think I was justified, but I think I would have handled whatever happened after much better.
That episode was just one in a long list of my drunken escapades, but this one didn't make me stop
drinking. It took me another four months.
By comparison, this year I am going to spend the day chilling. I may not even change out of my pyjamas!
Happy Sunday!! X
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